I know I abandoned ship with the whole blogging thing. After Thanksgiving (wow back in 2010) we found out we were pregnant with baby boy #2! Well we did not know it was a boy then, just a little pea sized something that made me royally sick. However, I just let everything slide including this blog. I just had nothing to say but "Dang I'm tired!" Being pregnant the second time around and with a maniacal toddler running around is rough. I think back to the "blissful" days I had being pregnant with Benjamin, wearing my cute maternity clothes, shopping at Whole Foods, putting my feet up after work. Oh, and sleeping in on weekends, but I have been missing that for close to two years now!
Anyway, I am re-engaging the blog because after a couple of insane weeks in and out of Labor/Delivery for Pre-term labor contractions the doctor put me on bed rest. At first it was for a week but my body just does not want to calm down so she is extending it most likely until I am full-term. So begins my internment to my bed, couch, and bathroom. That will be my life for the next 9 weeks or so.
Thankfully I have incredible friends and family who have been helping me with Ben and bringing over food, cleaning, etc. I have been so blessed by so many and I realize the benefit and goodness found in true community, especially my church community. Y'all know who you are!
I am trying to take this a day at a time. I can't think to much about it or I might start throwing things or just run out of my house screaming. I feel like I am grieving my summer and all the things I would normally do with Ben, all the plans big and small that I had. I was really looking forward to having a couple of months to just be with Benjamin, to make some fun memories, and have all these fun little summertime outings. So I am sad and disappointed. I have definitely cried it out, a few times, and said "I can't do it! No way! I am going to the mall!" Just to be dramatic. But I don't want to spend this time feeling sorry for myself every day. I think this time can be full of surprises and little joys and triumphs too. I am truly thankful to have good doctors and nurses caring for me and doing their best to make sure this little boy stays in as long as possible. Cook little baby cook!!
So today was uneventful to the normal able-bodied person, but this is all I have. Read a book, eat a cookie, watch a movie, take a bath, check facebook 500 times, brush my teeth, sit outside in the sweltering heat, check facebook again, eat some yogurt, check the mail (again), BLOG! And Mark will be home in about 10 minutes, so now I say it was a successful BR day, I made it!
Monday, June 6, 2011
Sunday, November 14, 2010
The Days are Long but the Years are Short...and I Need a Break!
So I caved and turned on some Christmas music. I think all this pre-mature Christmas marketing on TV is getting the better of me. Mark built a roaring fire too which made me think of the holidays. Here we are a week out from our trip to OKC for Thanksgiving and I am wondering where the year went? It feels like yesterday that I brought home my pink screaming baby and now he is a very mobile tantrum throwing toddler!
The older I get the faster life seems to move. It is funny though, how long some days can be. I think this last Thursday seemed like five days crammed into one and not because I was being remotely productive (maybe that was my problem). For all of my wanting to make the most of this life and learning to be grateful for the small things, I still spend a lot of times wishing for things I do not have, longing for time to pass so I can be somewhere else. I know this is the plight of many mothers with small children. It is hard to be completely engaged, because let's face it, a lot of what we do is tedious and repetitive. My sister brilliantly put on her Facebook info page that she basically relives the same day every day, diapers, meals, naps, errands, rinse and repeat.
I am not trying to diminish the task of motherhood. It is a noble and crucial task. Staying home with our children is hard and I believe all good and worthwhile things come with a price. I want to get better at seeing the goal and having the perspective that these young years will pass all too quickly. So while it may seem that each day blends into the next, and some feel long and insignificant, its not true. Each day with Benjamin is a gift. I have the joy of being there, of witnessing his life and transformation from baby to child and someday adult. I have this challenge, this quest to nurture and pour into my family all of the love, grace, and patience that God gives me. I am not saying that motherhood is this altruistic thing for me. it is definitely not. I grow empty, I get tired, and I need to be filled up and recharged on a daily basis.
One night last week I was wiped out, I handed Ben to Mark and ran off to the bookstore for hot chocolate and a stack of books to look through. I felt revived by that short hour I spent thinking about other things, restoring my mind, thinking about more than what goes on within the four walls of my house. Other days its a walk alone with my dog, or coffee with a friend. I need those times where I can focus on my inner-life, a world I cultivated and still try to maintain outside of my son.
So maybe this post is a reminder to take care of ourselves so that we can be the best at what we do, so that we can survive those long days. I for one can make it through if I know there will be a moment that is all mine somewhere on the horizon.
So tonight, after Ben is in bed, I plan on sitting by the fire with my guitar and singing through my favorite Christmas songs. I know it sounds corny, but it makes me feel alive and peaceful. My hope is that those feelings trickle over into Monday morning...alongside my enormous pot of coffee.
The older I get the faster life seems to move. It is funny though, how long some days can be. I think this last Thursday seemed like five days crammed into one and not because I was being remotely productive (maybe that was my problem). For all of my wanting to make the most of this life and learning to be grateful for the small things, I still spend a lot of times wishing for things I do not have, longing for time to pass so I can be somewhere else. I know this is the plight of many mothers with small children. It is hard to be completely engaged, because let's face it, a lot of what we do is tedious and repetitive. My sister brilliantly put on her Facebook info page that she basically relives the same day every day, diapers, meals, naps, errands, rinse and repeat.
I am not trying to diminish the task of motherhood. It is a noble and crucial task. Staying home with our children is hard and I believe all good and worthwhile things come with a price. I want to get better at seeing the goal and having the perspective that these young years will pass all too quickly. So while it may seem that each day blends into the next, and some feel long and insignificant, its not true. Each day with Benjamin is a gift. I have the joy of being there, of witnessing his life and transformation from baby to child and someday adult. I have this challenge, this quest to nurture and pour into my family all of the love, grace, and patience that God gives me. I am not saying that motherhood is this altruistic thing for me. it is definitely not. I grow empty, I get tired, and I need to be filled up and recharged on a daily basis.
One night last week I was wiped out, I handed Ben to Mark and ran off to the bookstore for hot chocolate and a stack of books to look through. I felt revived by that short hour I spent thinking about other things, restoring my mind, thinking about more than what goes on within the four walls of my house. Other days its a walk alone with my dog, or coffee with a friend. I need those times where I can focus on my inner-life, a world I cultivated and still try to maintain outside of my son.
So maybe this post is a reminder to take care of ourselves so that we can be the best at what we do, so that we can survive those long days. I for one can make it through if I know there will be a moment that is all mine somewhere on the horizon.
So tonight, after Ben is in bed, I plan on sitting by the fire with my guitar and singing through my favorite Christmas songs. I know it sounds corny, but it makes me feel alive and peaceful. My hope is that those feelings trickle over into Monday morning...alongside my enormous pot of coffee.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Madness, Reality Check, Moving On...
So, after a month of sheer madness, no dice. Aunt Flo showed, and I have to say I was sad, but also relieved a little. When we decided to try for baby number two I was sure and honestly, a little freaked out that it would happen right away like it did with Ben. I realize now that I need time to sit with this decision and let my body chill out for a bit. I am charting now (using the Taking Charge of Your Fertility book) and doing the whole morning temp thing, so we will see if I can stay on track that way. If I can get this charting down maybe I won't freak out and buy tons of pregnancy tests, consequently spending all of our grocery money for two weeks. Yeah, Mark was not too happy about that. So this month I am making a commitment to taking each day in stride, breathing deep ( I forget to do that A LOT) and enjoying the approach of the holidays. And not buying anymore tests until I am SURE it is necessary!
I will say one of the benefits of charting is that it gives you a feeling of control, something pro-active to do every day, getting familiar with your body and cycles. Ask me in a month how consistent I have been, but I really get why women do this. It makes sense, it eases some stress, it helps us to know what to expect.
With all the mania, I have let my house go to the dogs (truly, Joe's hair is everywhere) so my plan today is to try out my spiffy new mop, fold some laundry, finally clean my grubby bathroom and get out for a walk on this last nice warm day for awhile. Is Starbucks in my future...it is a definite possibility. Oh and I have keep two kiddos happy and fed too....sometimes the hardest part of the day!
I will say one of the benefits of charting is that it gives you a feeling of control, something pro-active to do every day, getting familiar with your body and cycles. Ask me in a month how consistent I have been, but I really get why women do this. It makes sense, it eases some stress, it helps us to know what to expect.
With all the mania, I have let my house go to the dogs (truly, Joe's hair is everywhere) so my plan today is to try out my spiffy new mop, fold some laundry, finally clean my grubby bathroom and get out for a walk on this last nice warm day for awhile. Is Starbucks in my future...it is a definite possibility. Oh and I have keep two kiddos happy and fed too....sometimes the hardest part of the day!
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Good Saturday...
I love a Saturday day and night in. I took two naps and only made it out for coffee and some groceries. It has been awhile since our last plans-free weekend, and we need more of them! Ben played outside and watched his dad rake up all the fall leaves. I love having time to see him discover new things and find wonder in simple pleasures like green grass and sunshine.
We took a nice walk through our funky neighborhood and commented on all the houses that looked normal as in not ones that look condemned or like they have meth labs inside or houses with 5 or 6 old cars parked on the lawn. This neighborhood can be iffy but its mostly full of blue collar hard-working people. I think I saw one house with a BMW parked in front, but it must have been someone visiting or someones fancy lawyer. Toyota is fancy here, maybe even Ford if its a model made after 1999. The one thing I love about this neighborhood is all of the mature trees. I can handle things being a little droopy if there are nice trees, the kind whose branches bow and sway in the wind with the sun shining through. Let me just say it was a gorgeous evening, one for the books.
This was a good day for processing through all my earlier madness. Mark told me I needed to cool it and stop obsessing and its true. We have a wonderful life, its full and blessed. For me to choose to live in constant anxiety over something I cannot control is like a slap in the face to God. I am telling him that all I have is not enough, or is not good enough for me. So I am taking my fictional "chill pill" ( I took the real kind after having Ben and it wasn't pretty), warm baths and good books always help. Nights in by the fireplace with my husband, smiles and giggles from my son. Long walks in the early evenings and dinner with good friends. I hope someday I will have another child to share this blessed life with, but that is up to God and his perfect timing. I can rest in that.
We took a nice walk through our funky neighborhood and commented on all the houses that looked normal as in not ones that look condemned or like they have meth labs inside or houses with 5 or 6 old cars parked on the lawn. This neighborhood can be iffy but its mostly full of blue collar hard-working people. I think I saw one house with a BMW parked in front, but it must have been someone visiting or someones fancy lawyer. Toyota is fancy here, maybe even Ford if its a model made after 1999. The one thing I love about this neighborhood is all of the mature trees. I can handle things being a little droopy if there are nice trees, the kind whose branches bow and sway in the wind with the sun shining through. Let me just say it was a gorgeous evening, one for the books.
This was a good day for processing through all my earlier madness. Mark told me I needed to cool it and stop obsessing and its true. We have a wonderful life, its full and blessed. For me to choose to live in constant anxiety over something I cannot control is like a slap in the face to God. I am telling him that all I have is not enough, or is not good enough for me. So I am taking my fictional "chill pill" ( I took the real kind after having Ben and it wasn't pretty), warm baths and good books always help. Nights in by the fireplace with my husband, smiles and giggles from my son. Long walks in the early evenings and dinner with good friends. I hope someday I will have another child to share this blessed life with, but that is up to God and his perfect timing. I can rest in that.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Waiting on two pink lines...and yes I know there needs to be two!
So we are trying to get pregnant again. There you go. It is out there, in the open and I am not apologizing or taking it back. I have never been a "hush" "hush" kind of person about my life or anything happening in it. I truly believe that pregnancy and birth or the loss of a pregnancy are a part of this big messy life we live. Not that I want to be brash or rude about losing a baby. I definitely don't. It is a hard and tremendously difficult thing to face and go through. I don't want that to happen and I know I would be heart-broken if it did. But, I also know that death and loss are a part of life, a part of the reality we live in. I believe that God intended us for whole-ness, and completion, and perfection but we do not live in that world now. Someday, but not now. So things happen that should not happen. We face losses and disappointments because we want our lives to be whole, we long for something more.
With all the ups and downs and craziness of motherhood I want the joy of having and knowing another child.
When I had Benjamin I was totally freaked out by it. I remember thinking, "This is nuts, I changed my mind, can he go back in for a little longer, at least until I get a nap?" But then after some time and a little more sleep I started to fall in love. And this love was so different, and so big and monumental. I thought I knew about love and what it means to give yourself to someone completely, but I was wrong. After having Ben I felt my heart grow bigger than I have ever known. This capacity to love my child so much literally took me by surprise. Today I see that the more we give love to another person (not asking for it in return) the more room we create to love better and more fully. I believe that God is using this experience of being a mother to challenge me, to grow me up, to show me how much I complain about everything! Ben may make my eyes cross out of frustration at times but I love him so so much. I am incredibly grateful for his life. It is easier to let go of things and keep going when I focus on that.
So we are in this crazy-making time of waiting to see if there is a baby or not. My eyes are about to fall out from reading fertility books and articles and then googling every strange feeling a sensation that I have. I have probably blown through about ten pregnancy tests, knowing all the while its too early to know. I'm compulsive about this OK ( I know some of you know what I mean)! If only I had this much determination about exercise or school..hmmm.
I have another week or so and then we will see. I will want to announce something right away knowing how, yes, compulsive I am and that I am a horrible HORRIBLE secret keeper, just FYI. But I promised Mark we would reign it in for a bit, and try to not tell people before we see a doc (BTW I LOVE my OB and sometimes want to get pregnant just so I can see her again..nutty I know).
If you see me around you can ask me about the process, just know I might have to lie to you...at least for a little while. :)
With all the ups and downs and craziness of motherhood I want the joy of having and knowing another child.
When I had Benjamin I was totally freaked out by it. I remember thinking, "This is nuts, I changed my mind, can he go back in for a little longer, at least until I get a nap?" But then after some time and a little more sleep I started to fall in love. And this love was so different, and so big and monumental. I thought I knew about love and what it means to give yourself to someone completely, but I was wrong. After having Ben I felt my heart grow bigger than I have ever known. This capacity to love my child so much literally took me by surprise. Today I see that the more we give love to another person (not asking for it in return) the more room we create to love better and more fully. I believe that God is using this experience of being a mother to challenge me, to grow me up, to show me how much I complain about everything! Ben may make my eyes cross out of frustration at times but I love him so so much. I am incredibly grateful for his life. It is easier to let go of things and keep going when I focus on that.
So we are in this crazy-making time of waiting to see if there is a baby or not. My eyes are about to fall out from reading fertility books and articles and then googling every strange feeling a sensation that I have. I have probably blown through about ten pregnancy tests, knowing all the while its too early to know. I'm compulsive about this OK ( I know some of you know what I mean)! If only I had this much determination about exercise or school..hmmm.
I have another week or so and then we will see. I will want to announce something right away knowing how, yes, compulsive I am and that I am a horrible HORRIBLE secret keeper, just FYI. But I promised Mark we would reign it in for a bit, and try to not tell people before we see a doc (BTW I LOVE my OB and sometimes want to get pregnant just so I can see her again..nutty I know).
If you see me around you can ask me about the process, just know I might have to lie to you...at least for a little while. :)
Monday, October 25, 2010
On Lost Remote Controls and Perspective..
Monday again. Hmmm. I am hoping for a good week, I am committing to breathing deep and letting go of stressful and unnecessary problems. I am going to enjoy the cooler weather and be thankful, thankful, thankful for my life and all the blessings big and small that I experience on a daily basis.
I am going to get over the fact that Ben hid the remote control again and be thankful for things like hulu and free DVDs from the library. I was super annoyed this morning that I could not watch GMA this morning with my morning coffee. The channel is stuck on CBS, so Early Show it is! I realize that all these shows are pretty much the same. News, scandal, another boring cooking segment, buy this stupid gadget, and guilt-inducing parenting advice. Anyway, I am so over it, the lost remote and all. I will probably find it somewhere weird in about two months when I decide to reorganize the linen closet.
I realize how quickly I can let little annoyances set the tone for my day. I get angry that something out of my hands and control has happened, something I can't always fix easily. I focus on the frustrating minutiae of my day, things that don't really NEED to matter that much (i.e lost remote, spoiled milk, groceries I forgot to buy, overflowing laundry pile, Ben sticking his little hands in everything). Life is full of daily trials big and small, and often in the grand scheme of things the big ones are not really that important.
So what is important, I mean clearing all that other stuff away, and seeing what REALLY matters. Those things are actually pretty simple. Good health for my family, food, a warm house, joy and happiness, faith. So the house can be a wreck and I can be in m PJ's at 3PM and look at my son smile or watch the clouds in the sky and be glad, just be glad that God has given me another day to love and be loved, to give and be given to.
So its Monday and sometimes it feels like a slow slow ride until Friday. But I want this week to be different. I want to see each day as a gift, as a day for surprise and possibility, a chance to learn something and see where and how God is moving. I guess that is my prayer of sorts for today and for my life too. Okay Breathe.
I am going to get over the fact that Ben hid the remote control again and be thankful for things like hulu and free DVDs from the library. I was super annoyed this morning that I could not watch GMA this morning with my morning coffee. The channel is stuck on CBS, so Early Show it is! I realize that all these shows are pretty much the same. News, scandal, another boring cooking segment, buy this stupid gadget, and guilt-inducing parenting advice. Anyway, I am so over it, the lost remote and all. I will probably find it somewhere weird in about two months when I decide to reorganize the linen closet.
I realize how quickly I can let little annoyances set the tone for my day. I get angry that something out of my hands and control has happened, something I can't always fix easily. I focus on the frustrating minutiae of my day, things that don't really NEED to matter that much (i.e lost remote, spoiled milk, groceries I forgot to buy, overflowing laundry pile, Ben sticking his little hands in everything). Life is full of daily trials big and small, and often in the grand scheme of things the big ones are not really that important.
So what is important, I mean clearing all that other stuff away, and seeing what REALLY matters. Those things are actually pretty simple. Good health for my family, food, a warm house, joy and happiness, faith. So the house can be a wreck and I can be in m PJ's at 3PM and look at my son smile or watch the clouds in the sky and be glad, just be glad that God has given me another day to love and be loved, to give and be given to.
So its Monday and sometimes it feels like a slow slow ride until Friday. But I want this week to be different. I want to see each day as a gift, as a day for surprise and possibility, a chance to learn something and see where and how God is moving. I guess that is my prayer of sorts for today and for my life too. Okay Breathe.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Good Times
Here are a few of my favorites from the past week. Ben and Joe our dog are bonding these days, well sort of. Joe is tolerating being used as a human bean bag and having his ears and tail pulled on a regular basis. Poor dog. But hey his life is pretty good as far as dog-life goes. He gets to sleep in any corner of the house he wants and sometimes on the couch when he thinks no one is looking, and usually I remember to feed him too. And on rare occasions we go for a walk, but that is usually after he starts chasing his own tale out of boredom. Back in the days before Ben, he was our number one. Now, I have no idea what his position is, but he has definitely been demoted. But as I said before, his life isn't that bad, it could be worse. I think he likes having Ben around anyway, it keeps us distracted and off his case. And we love him, he's our stinky old dog. Part of the family for sure.
Ben's cousin Scarlett was over for a bit today and they had a blast! The funniest thing (besides the Lady GaGa dance party we had) was that they both wanted to play in Ben's crib. After I put them in there Scarlett waved at me and said "Ok, night. night. Bye!" As in"Get the heck outta here already!" too.stinkin'.cute. So I went to grab my camera (of course) and then spied on them a little. They were screaming and laughing and basically going nuts in the way only two toddlers can. Hilarious. So here are a few pictures, enjoy!
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