This "Mom" thing...

Sometimes as I sit here with my cold cup of coffee, still in my PJ's staring at the copious mounds of laundry in front of me I wonder how I ended up here? If I flashback five years ago I was an eager grad student, piling on debt, dreaming big wanting to meet Mr. Right but totally clueless at the same time. I felt free and unbound. I would sit in innumerable coffee shops and right pages of longing and angst in my journal (I took my emotions VERY seriously at 24) and dream about the future.

OK, I am NOT saying that I am disappointed with how my life has turned out. This whole parenting thing is definitely different than I imagined but also incredible and oh so worth it. Honestly though, I do struggle with it from time to time. Or maybe better put, I am still learning that when you choose one path you are letting go of others. So maybe this is not a startling revelation to most, but for me it still is. My mom always jokingly accused me of needing to "do it all." As in, trying to cram as much into my life as possible so I did not have to let go of something I love or think I love anyway. It has been difficult for me to navigate work and motherhood because I always dreamed of having some big meaningful career. Something where I could make a difference and help those in need. I mean I have this towering debt from grad school (OK and a Masters Degree...but am I using it?) and I spend my days washing and folding countless burp rags along with my husbands socks. So maybe from that description my life looks pretty miserable, but its not of course. All of these external things, degrees and careers,money and recognition that the outside world tells us give us meaning and value are so empty without love and family and community. I am discovering within this bizarre world of mommy-hood that loving and caring for a child has rewards and purpose beyond anything you can get from a paycheck or promotion. When Benjamin smiles at me or curls up in my arms I find that I am more centered and full than I have ever been at any time. I stop longing for things that I do not have. In those moments content is a word that barely defines the peace I feel. When Mark comes home after a long long day and takes me in his arms there is a moment where I know everything I have ever wanted or needed is right there. Every nebulous longing or dream has been obliterated by love and belonging. This mommy thing is not for the faint of heart, and there are numerous women who have way more going on than I do. But I honestly believe that the majority would not trade the runny noses, lack of sleep, constant messes, laughter, joy, and priceless memories with their children for anything no matter how tempting the career offer. The truth is there is no going back. You can't re-live your childhood or that of your children. If we do not witness their growing up than who will? If we do not cheer on their first smiles or attempts at rolling over who will? I know in ten years when my children are happily or not so happily off at school my Masters Degree will be waiting for me, tucked away, a little dusty perhaps, but still there.

Advent

Days like this I try to remember the promises of God. I remember the powerful sermon I heard yesterday from Isaiah 11...."a shoot will come forth from the stump of Jesse." God's plans for us are not thwarted by our daily tragedies whether great or small. His promises and truth are secure, I am secure in Him. Jesus was promised to a world aching for renewal. A world that was waiting for some unkown Savior who was promised. Every year at Advent I am reminded that although Jesus has come we are still waiting. Waiting for Christ to return, to put an end to the insipid violence the dark hopelessness that swallows so many. In our waiting we can find hope in the Word of God and in the promised Messiah. The small child who carried the hopes and fears of the world inside of Him.

I see how easy it is to let my joy fall by the wayside, how quickly I let love dissolve because of an unkind word or misunderstanding. I must choose joy if this life is to be full and have meaning, if I am to learn to love others well. My life has been full of blessing and beauty. I have more than I could ever want or need. Above all I know I have been given a great gift, I have been loved so well by the people in my life. I have been loved so perfectly by my Heavenly Father. Now I have this awesome opportunity to give that same love to my son. My prayer is that he would grow strong and sure in himself and in his place in God's heart. It is often bewildering to me, the intense love and emotion I feel for Benjamin. I did not know my heart could feel this deeply, that once he entered my life it was as if he had always been in it. I look at his face and I see the reflection of of God's love, and I fall even deeper. Amazing. I am experiencing the mystery of Christ and His incarnation all over agin. Jesus came as a small dependant child. The first child for His own mother. Her love for Him however imperfect and human was deep and overwhelming. At the moment of His birth Mary was transformed, and later would be again after His death and resurrection. I look at Benjamin and I see the light of God. I see how I am also a small weak child in constant need of direction of His strong firm arms to hold and comfort me, to remind me that I am wanted, that I belong.

A Day in the Life....that Sometimes Feels the Same as Yesterday

So now I am blogging. As if I don't have a million other things to do. As if there isn't an enormous pile of laundry on the couch next to me, and yes I am still in my PJ's at 3:30 PM! Life has changed in so many ways since Benjamin was born. I guess it has moved into slow motion yet the days sort of slide past me and before I know it its Monday all over again. Lately I am struggling with the significance of the this job called "mommy." I'm spit up on fifty times a day, I change dirty diapers, wipe tears, give baths and sing endless rounds of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star." However, I also have the privilige of spending the day with the most beautiful kid in the world ( I am not biased of course). So when I am offered my old job back and its only part-time I am falling between the temptation of extra cash and more adult interaction and the sucker-punch guilt of missing a moment of Ben's life. What would Dr. Laura do? Ok, yes I listen to her whenever I am in the car between 1 and 4 PM. If you listen to her you know that she is dead set against women working outside the home when they have children. I have totally and completely been on her side...when employment was not an option. Now, I am torn. I want to just say forget it! I trust God and the process of life and I don't need to work at all! But honestly I get so tired of scraping by and not being able to plan well for the future. But maybe there is more for me to see here besides a less than helpful bank account. I put Ben down for a nap today and looked down at his sweet round face and it made me sad to think that I may not do this everyday if I decide to go back to work. If I go back is it for him or for me and my own sense of security and control? Ok, wow did I just say that? Having a family is something I dreamed about for years, seriously since I was like seven years old and tucked my stuffed animals in at night. So why would I give up any part of that? For what a few hundred bucks a month? So maybe I know my answer, thank you blog it feels good to write again...