Sometimes as I sit here with my cold cup of coffee, still in my PJ's staring at the copious mounds of laundry in front of me I wonder how I ended up here? If I flashback five years ago I was an eager grad student, piling on debt, dreaming big wanting to meet Mr. Right but totally clueless at the same time. I felt free and unbound. I would sit in innumerable coffee shops and right pages of longing and angst in my journal (I took my emotions VERY seriously at 24) and dream about the future.
OK, I am NOT saying that I am disappointed with how my life has turned out. This whole parenting thing is definitely different than I imagined but also incredible and oh so worth it. Honestly though, I do struggle with it from time to time. Or maybe better put, I am still learning that when you choose one path you are letting go of others. So maybe this is not a startling revelation to most, but for me it still is. My mom always jokingly accused me of needing to "do it all." As in, trying to cram as much into my life as possible so I did not have to let go of something I love or think I love anyway. It has been difficult for me to navigate work and motherhood because I always dreamed of having some big meaningful career. Something where I could make a difference and help those in need. I mean I have this towering debt from grad school (OK and a Masters Degree...but am I using it?) and I spend my days washing and folding countless burp rags along with my husbands socks. So maybe from that description my life looks pretty miserable, but its not of course. All of these external things, degrees and careers,money and recognition that the outside world tells us give us meaning and value are so empty without love and family and community. I am discovering within this bizarre world of mommy-hood that loving and caring for a child has rewards and purpose beyond anything you can get from a paycheck or promotion. When Benjamin smiles at me or curls up in my arms I find that I am more centered and full than I have ever been at any time. I stop longing for things that I do not have. In those moments content is a word that barely defines the peace I feel. When Mark comes home after a long long day and takes me in his arms there is a moment where I know everything I have ever wanted or needed is right there. Every nebulous longing or dream has been obliterated by love and belonging. This mommy thing is not for the faint of heart, and there are numerous women who have way more going on than I do. But I honestly believe that the majority would not trade the runny noses, lack of sleep, constant messes, laughter, joy, and priceless memories with their children for anything no matter how tempting the career offer. The truth is there is no going back. You can't re-live your childhood or that of your children. If we do not witness their growing up than who will? If we do not cheer on their first smiles or attempts at rolling over who will? I know in ten years when my children are happily or not so happily off at school my Masters Degree will be waiting for me, tucked away, a little dusty perhaps, but still there.
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