Cute Yoga Pants or Not....

Ben has been sick with some weird stomach bug so it was just Ben and I today. After laying around most of the morning I decided to take him on a walk, get some fresh air, hit up the library for some good reads. Well that was a loooong walk. My legs feel like jello now, but in a good way, if that is possible? It is a gorgeous day outside, bright and shiny and not too hot. Even though I feel exhausted I am glad we went.

Before we left I was buzzing with too much coffee and anxiety over finances and Ben's college prospects and whether we will EVER go on a vacation again...and so this walk was therapeutic in so many ways. You know how magazines, and books, and psychotherapists (like my husband) say that exercise is really important for reducing stress and anxiety? Well its TRUE! So, I knew that but the five minutes it takes to throw on my Aasics and get Ben in the stroller seem too long and too hard. I have so many excuses: My hair hasn't been washed in several days, my cuter and less tight Yoga pants are dirty, or I am in the middle of another Parenthood episode (good show by the way).

Today I was triumphant. I was able to bypass all my lame excuses and get out of the house! I went for that walk and my mind unwrapped itself a little bit and I was able to think more clearly. Ben napped and I drank in the fresh air and sunshine. I feel stronger, more positive and able to face the day. If you have an hour, thirty or even fifteen minutes get outside. Give your brain and body a much needed re-charge and refresher. So good hair or not, cute Yoga pants or ugly gym shorts, I promise you will feel like a million bucks or at least not so anxious.

Nap Time...Bane of My Existence

Nap time is one of the most amazing gifts when it happens. When it doesn't happen I feel like committing myself. Seriously. Any other mama's feel this way? Trying to get both boys down at the same time is a dream if it works, otherwise it is agonizing, hair-pulling madness!The crying and screaming, the going in and out of rooms, soothing, laying back down, digging under the crib for the pacifier, saying (OK sometimes shouting) "Nap-time Ben, Now!" Maybe the shouting makes it worse, but my patience has its limits. Today is one of those days where I get so frustrated I turn to ice cream in the freezer to numb me out (sometimes I sort of get why people want a drink before noon...but I promise I will stick with ice cream).I just want some comfort and something that is only for me even for the briefest moment.

I think the crying may have stopped, which means I have about an hour to breathe and put the kitchen back together. Or maybe just sit here and stare out the window and let my mind go blank for a bit? Or finish the book that I am savoring and rationing so I don't get through too fast. I had better stop writing and get busy unwinding before it all starts over and way too soon.

This Book Rocks

I am reading or should I say devouring The Help by Kathryn Stockett. Housework, bills, relationships, mothering...they can all take a backseat until I finish this book! This is a MUST read people, probably one of the best books I have read in a long time. I mean that. I am a bookworm and probably go through at least one book a week. Ask my husband, he is still in shock over my reading habits...he thinks I pulled one over on him and swears I didn't read this much when we were dating (of course not we were dating! I was distracted)! My reading habit is a little intense I know, and will probably interfere with how many children we plan on having. What can I do....I just can't survive without a good book! So this is my little blog rant for the day, I would write more but I have to get back to my book....

Crested Butte

We just returned from an incredible weekend with friends in Crested Butte. We went for long walks, visited local coffee shops, hiked, played in the park with kids, drank wine, cooked dinner and even saw a strange but entertaining, mother-earthish, town tradition bonfire. The bonfire was a fun bonus and Ben thought it was hilarious and cheered and clapped and then promptly fell asleep as soon as we sat him down in his stroller.

What happens when you think 3AM is party time

It is so good to get away for a few days and to find a new a different pace. Having no agenda, just going with whatever we fee like. Coffee at 6:30 AM? Hellooo yes! Coffee at 10AM? Of course! Coffee at 3:00? Great! Wine at 4:00? Even better! Now if Ben would have decided to sleep this weekend instead of crying and thinking play time starts at 3am it would have been perfect. But he is only one year old I can't get too mad and hold it against him. Now, If he pulls this at ten there might be words and screaming, but for now we will just let it go. 

The Wills and the Wells

I loved seeing the raw natural beauty of this place. It was such a gift and reminded me of how vast and varied this world is. To be surrounded by magnificent peaks and the clearest blue sky everywhere you looked was so moving and breathtaking. The Aspen trees were numerous there and all had changed color and were shimmering and golden. Thank you God for creating Aspen trees! I love them! And thank you Wills family for a great weekend and sharing a place you love with us. We feel very blessed.

Time....

This is a good day. I am saying this because it is ordinary but in a really good way. The past few weeks have been packed with meetings, family visits, friends, and parties all of which were enjoyable and exciting! However I realize how addicted I am to plans and events and basically any event I can pencil into my calendar. I look at those things I have written down and I feel important in a "Hey I have plans, I'm a big deal, I DO stuff" kind of way. I mean who wants to admit that most days we wake up to the same daily grind of work or chores or parenting? I want my life to be interesting and exciting and-shall I say it-BUSY!!! I know I have written about busyness before but I need to talk about it a little more. Busyness, I am realizing, robs me of time to able to find joy and peace in small things. I don't have time to stop and smell the proverbial roses, or even look at them and they are in my backyard even! In our culture today we look at having time as something to fill up and use. Hello...could this be part of our consumer hungry life-style? Yikes! We talk about recycling, being environmentally friendly, saving the earth....but how often do we stop to enjoy this earth we live in?

So today I thought about washing endless piles of laundry and watching shows on Hulu, but the day was beautiful and calling out to me. I loaded up the boys in the cumbersome double stroller and went for a walk. Wow, gorgeous morning, amazing, a gift! The air was cool and crisp and I could see the leaves are starting to change color. Later we came home refreshed and energized (well the boys were more falling apart because they needed naps but I was feeling great).Yet, I was no longer in that place of anxiety over what to "do" today or what I needed to get "done." Instead I felt as if I had a choice in how I would spend this day, I was reminded that I can't ever get it back.

  I took time today to bake for MOPS instead of buying something pre-made. I listened to an incredible Podcast featuring Chuck Colson discussing politics and faith and how they do and do not relate to each other. I stopped to read from my Bible and pray think about life and what matters most. I was reminded that God cares how we live and act and respond to others. I don't always get this rare gift of time to sit and listen or read and ponder things. This time I had today was a gift....one I often bypass with plans and busy-making.

It is so so so hard to stop sometimes. To say for an hour I am forgetting chores or that phone call I need to make or whatever...and I am going to stop and sit and breathe. I am going to think about something meaningful and challenging. I am going to read a chapter or listen to a song that moves me. These are the things that feed our souls and grow our hearts. We need time so that our hearts and minds can be filled up and renewed so that we are able to give to the many needs and demands in our lives.

Wow. My cinnamon coffee cake is burning...looks like time is up for now...but I look forward to finding it again tomorrow, even for five minutes. I'll take what I can get!

Goodbye Twenties...You've been pretty cool..

Tomorrow I hit the big 3.0. as in I turn 30! I am not having a big over the top bash nor will I be sobbing into my pillow (I hope), but I am looking forward to coffee with friends and dinner with my husband and maybe a little reflecting too. I remember, distinctly, turning 20. I could NOT wait to leave my teen years behind! My roommate and a few other friends kidnapped me, blindfolded me and took me to Grand Rapids for the night. I remember it being fun in a where the HECK are we going kind of way. Nowadays if say Mark were to "kidnap" me I am hoping to end up in Cabo or something.

 There were so many things I hoped for in my twenties, it was as if life was about to begin. Being 18 and 19 still felt too close to high school, and for the record I was NOT a big fan of high school. I ate lunch in the library and actually liked having homework. Is that weird?

 If I can reflect a little on the past ten years it makes me see that the twenties are so full of change and new experiences. Sometimes as I sit in my family room folding laundry or making grocery lists I forget that my life has been so incredibly interesting and full. I have this wealth of life to draw from. Things that remind me of who I am and where I am going. In ten years I have finished college, lived in a foreign country, moved to Colorado met and married my husband, finished grad school, moved to a different state and then moved back to Colorado, had a baby, bought a house, and SOME of my sanity is still in tact! Whoa...really?

OK 30 that is a tough act to follow. Most of those things (except for having more kiddos) I don't plan on repeating so we need to come up with some new dreams and aspirations here. Honestly though, I look at it as building a foundation, something to keep building upon. I believe that the past ten years have all worked to make me a more open and honest person. I am more open to God and his will and movement in my life. I believe that I am more honest with myself and with people. Maybe I am living more honestly in that I am aware that I am limited in what I can give or do, but God is able to do new and incredible things through me.

There was a time when I really believed I was indispensable and could do anything and everything. But you know, its not true. I can do some things pretty well, and a lot of things I fail at doing well or at all. And that is OK with me. My hope for the next ten years is that I can continue to learn and grow as a person. I want to love more and love better. I want to continue to have passions and dreams and desires. I want to know God in a deeper more life-altering way. I want to enjoy and cherish my family. I hope for all these things. If God has allowed so many amazing, painful, challenging, awe-inspiring, life-changing, and beautiful things to happen in my twenties why not so much more in my thirties? A girl can dream right? And from where I am standing hopes and dreams are what make life worth living.

This sad little face happens at least five to ten times a day.

Its true, this is the face he gives me after I tell him "No!" "Don't touch" "Let go!" "Stop that!" And then I go on and break his little one year old heart. All he wanted was to unplug the computer, play with my phone, or take the wipes out of the box one.by.one.

It is a funny thing though how one minute he is sobbing like a teenage girl and the next he is happily jabbering pushing his little baby walker around. I do love my little boy and today he sat in my lap for ten whole minutes and we snuggled. I would put up with an entire day of tears for just ten minutes of smelling his sweet baby skin and hearing his slow even breath. These young years fly I am told, and I believe it. So in the midst of sad faces and tears and unfortunate tantrums I savor the moments where he is just content and happy in my arms.