Noah's Ark

I love this pic he's like
 "Mom I can't believe
 you just said that!!"

Ben is watching Baby Einstein's Noah's Ark...he always claps and cheers for the kangaroos and it makes me laugh every time. Then the seals come on and bark and he shakes his head and tries to bark at them...wow there IS something going on in that little noggin of his! Sometimes I wonder, what a one year old thinks about?  I mean he reads his books upside down sometimes...but he still points at the pictures and says something like "aweewhaawoo...dat!" I am not sure when he will start communicating in human language but I know that he is engaged in his world and LOVES life! A one year old can really remind us grumpy older people that life is full of new and interesting things if we would only take a moment and look around. Benjamin's presence is a constant reminder to me to be curious, always curious about the world I live in. I love the wonder of a child, we all need more of that in our lives!

Trying to be Cool makes me tired....

Last night I put on my big girl shoes and went to Red Rocks amphitheater to see Ray LaMontagne and David Gray.Wow Wow Wow. I loved it! For the most part it was sensational! Well, the first hour and a half was incredible and then 9:30 PM (my nerdy early bed-time) rolled around and it could have been John Lennon back from the dead on stage and I would not have cared...I just wanted to sleep! Does this mean I am getting old? I think so, that and sleep has become a major priority in my life. I remember the good old days of partying on a school night, dates with Mark that went into the wee hours of the night. Sleep was something to catch up on over the weekend. These days its like a timer goes off in my head "ding" its 9:30 and my bed-time, sorry people I'm outta here! It didn't help that one of David Gray's songs meandered on and on and on for like 18 minutes or something. It was like he made up a song at the end of a different song. He is hard to understand when he sings but I am pretty sure there was a line in there where he compared his lover to lichen on a fusel lodge...oh and he said something about Sonic Booms too...yeah. weird.

Ray LaMontagne..can you see
him?

Anyway, I did enjoy the concert, and we danced and sang and cheered and laughed at other people who were dancing and singing around us. Seriously, skinny white guy sitting in front of us, I don't know where you learned your moves, but I would keep those to yourself...kind of scary. But I loved hearing good music and listening to someone share their passion and creativity. I was blown away by Ray LaMontagne. That sort of extraordinary talent mixed with humility is unheard of these days. His music really moved me, and it felt good  to be moved by something outside of the ordinary, to enter the creative world of another human being. I appreciate that there are still true and honest musicians out there, who write and create for the sake of art and the need to express who they are.

Honestly though, I am so dang tired today and all I can think about is a hot bath, a good book, and my comfy bed....bed-time may come even earlier tonight!

Monday Monday

Wow, we had a whirlwind weekend and this morning I woke up in a total fog! It was actually foggy outside which did NOT help! Now the boys are down for morning naps and I am devouring my cereal and contemplating a nap myself.....

Mark and Ben and I went on an amazing and I mean AHHHmazing hike in the Crags outside of Woodland Park. Spending and afternoon out in nature reminds me why I love LOVE Colorado and never want to live anywhere else. Of course when we got back to the parking lot we realized "someone" had left the headlights on so the car was dead. So fun. So so fun. Mark was of course cheerful and optimistic that someone would drive by soon and I was pouting and annoyed at his optimism. I kept picturing us stranded overnight with about 4 oz of water and a half-eaten bag of Ben's goldfish crackers. But thankfully a kind soul came rumbling down the trail in their car and gave us a jumpstart. So I think I pouted and felt hopeless for about five minutes total. We drove home listening to country music and then Mark let me get a pumpkin spice latte at Starbucks....so everything turned out just fine (and of course the pouting totally helped)!

I have to say that I LIVE for days like that, having time to spend together as a family. Getting out of the house and getting our bodies moving, and breathing in the fresh air. Exercise is one of those things I really struggle to like, or should  I say "do." When I think of exercise I imagine a stale smelling gym, people groaning while bench pressing or that expression of extreme boredom on the treadmill, or sweaty dudes in spandex...yuck. But when I can get outside for a walk or a hike it feels wonderful, I am a new person. Ok it feels like exercise too, BUT the ambiance is way better and I am not surrounded by hot chicks with six pack abs doing lunges. Instead I have the big blue sky, clean sweet smelling air, the earthy trail under my feet, mountains all around and a smile usually plastered on my face....and I can have that any day of the week, even on Mondays.

My baby is ONE Today!!

Aww ao blissfully unaware!

Ben is one today! ONE!!! I can't believe it, I mean I REALLY can't believe it! Technically he will be one at 10:10 PM but who's counting right? We are gonna party all day! A year a go I was in that hospital bed, tired, and ready to meet the little guy...but having to wait out a long labor that ended in a not-so thrilling c-section (ok "thrilling" and "c-section" should never be used in the same sentence). That first week after Ben was born I remember being so tired, I mean more tired than I have ever felt in my life. I was thinking, "Why was I in such a hurry for him to be born? I could have laid in bed for a few more days at least!" But that is all over now and I have had an amazing year watching Ben grow and develop and become this curious, active, happy little boy. 

So here are my Top Ten Benjamin favs of the year:

1. SLEEPING through the night (7-12 weeks)

2. Watching you try your first baby food...and the huge grin that followed

3. SLEEPING through the night (this def. needs repeating)

4. Seeing you roll over for the first time, you super confused by what just happened

5. Discovering YOU LOVE BATHTIME! No more screaming only gleeful splashing

6. SLEEPING through the night!! I am still not over it!!

7. The first time you crawled across the room, everyone cheering you on

8. Getting you up from a nap and finding you standing in your crib and

9. Hearing you say "Mama" for the first time....but then realizing you said it to every other lady you saw (in the grocery store, on a walk,  but still special to me)!

10.Standing up on your own for about 30 seconds and me screaming with joy...which scared you and made you fall over and cry a little...what can I say I am so proud of my big boy! :)

Chicago

This morning it is raining. It feels like fall is coming, but I know we have a few more weeks to go. However, when the seasons change, I find that I grow increasingly homesick for the place I grew up. I miss Chicago, I really do. I don't miss certain things, like not seeing the sun for weeks on end in the winter, or traffic, or not being able to find parking anywhere. But I do miss the way the city looked when the seasons changed. I miss autumn there, the crispness, the heavy trees turning different shades of gold, orange, and red. I miss the sounds of people on the street, walking, shopping, running. I miss the buildings, a city where you always find something new to look at. I loved the Wrigley building, right before getting to the river and the bridge. I have so many memories of Chicago. So many secrets and little moments are tucked away there.

 I know I am still a city girl at heart and there are times I just long for more movement and diversity than I find here. Don't get me wrong, I love Colorado. The mountains and nature and the weather here are incredible. I know if I left I would miss it sorely. It has been almost 6 years now since I have been in Chicago. 6 years. So much in my life has changed, I have changed. But when I think of home, home in the deepest part of me, I still see myself at 871 S. Third Ave. I see myself walking, walking, walking downtown. I am catching the EL train or sipping coffee somewhere by a window, people watching. Mark and I talk about going back for a visit sometimes. We talk about the places we would go, all that I would show him. I would love that, I need that!

Sometimes I feel as if I need closure for that time in my life. All of my growing up, college, and later. I never really said goodbye to my childhood home or to any of the places that I loved so much. My last visit 6 years ago, my parents were selling the house, but at the time  I was  so enamored with my new life in Denver that I just let it wash past me. I thought I was done there and that I would never look back. But I have looked back, and now with fondness I realize how blessed I was, and how much I loved my childhood. How opportune and unique it was to go to college in the city. When people here ask me where I am from I always say Chicago, because somehow that will always seem like home to me, even if I am here in Colorado for the rest of my life.

Techy Baby

Ben is super obsessed with my phone...especially if he finds the keys unlocked and can call random people. He always goes for people I haven't talked to in a hundred years but have never bothered to remove their info from my phone. Awkward.  Here are some pics....esp. since I am trying to make this a bona-fide mom blog I should have some pics of my kid right?

P.S. The mess of clothes in the background is all Ben...my house is always spotless...

Nap-time and Lattes

I wish it was nap time for me! I wish I wish I wish! One day I know Ben will wish for set times to sleep during the day, but right now he is fighting it tooth and nail. Unfortunately there is no convincing a one year old about anything, vegetables, drinking milk, not banging on my computer, and there is nothing I can do about naps. He just has to scream  and cry and thrash around in his crib which at times makes me feel like screaming and throwing things around the house, but I won't...throw things at least. Thankfully I went to Starbucks for my customary Vanilla Latte and that little bit of sweetness helps especially when I am engaged in this battle of wills. Days like this I have to stop staring at clock, wishing it to be 6:00 when Mark comes home and I get back-up and a shower. We will make it, Ben will sleep eventually and I will get off the couch...but not until I finish my latte.

On Waiting...and Contentment too

A few months ago I broke down and bought a Beth Moore devotional. I say broke down because I can be prideful and act as if I am above devotionals especially if they are written by famed members of contemporary Christian culture. So really I have nothing against Beth Moore, just against jumping into a fad or something like that. But I jumped, and I am glad I did. Today has been one of those days where not only is it a Monday but I feel acutely overwhelmed and frustrated. I hate that so many things can suddenly feel out of control and that I can't change and fix everything all by myself. Discontentment is this slow poison that I let seep into my heart and mind. I often want to let it run rampant just so I can feel justified in the way I approach daily life.
 Today I read in my Beth Moore devotional that "...One of the most common human experiences is the inability for us to be completely satisfied."  She later writes, "Christians can be miserably dissatisfied if they accept Christ's salvation yet reject the fullness of a daily relationship that satisfies."
OK Beth, I get it, loud and clear. So this is daily relationship with God is hard for me and I am guessing there are others out there who feel similarly. A daily relationship with anyone is hard. Giving and taking, sacrificing and receiving and choosing to love when you don't feel like it is not easy. Walking daily in relationship with God means that I let go of things that I want to control, that I talk to him about my fears and frustrations. It means that I let him in to those dark and secret places in my heart and mind, those places so often laced with discontent. I love that dear 'ole Beth describes a daily relationship as something that offers "fullness" and "satisfaction." I cannot today, wrap my mind around those concepts.
 So here's the thing, the kicker for me. I have to wait and let God bring me closer to him. I have to wait in this funky space I am in and let God speak to me and walk me back to Him. I can't do it on my own. I am tired of thinking I can handle everything, because I fail every. single. time. I want to learn about being content in God, in his promises to be faithful and trustworthy. Faithful and trustworthy, two things I can only discover in relationship with God. So I am ready God, let's go.

Motherhood one year later...

OK so I have not "blogged" in MONTHS! Email and facebook seemed to be all I could handle for awhile. However Ben turns one in a few days and I am feeling semi-normal again, whatever that means? Well, wow this has been the fastest year of my life by far. I can hardly swallow it, how life can change so quickly and constantly. Watching a baby change and grow has been the biggest joy and also a major test of patience and flexibility. I remember when Ben started waking up just once at night (instead of every two screaming and clawing at the bottle) to eat and I thought, "Alright, we are arriving now, I can re-enter the world with some sanity." Sometime between 7 and 12 weeks he started to sleep through the night and I was awed that this was possible and yet scared that maybe he did not need me as much. I know there are mothers out there who can't wait for their kids to grow up and not be infants anymore. Then there are mothers who probably push their kids over if they try to walk too soon. I like to think that I am somewhere in the middle of the two, enjoying Ben's growth and at the same time grieving just a little that every day he moves a little farther away from me. OK, I know at one year old kids are still pretty dependent on their parents and will be for a long time. Motherhood has turned my life upside down in ways I could not have imagined before. One year later and I am so in love with my son. There is this whole new person in my life that I am eternally connected to, and that I love so fiercely I sometimes forget what life was like before him. Well, I SOMETIMES forget what life was like pre-Ben. When my house is wrecked and there is poop all over the floor and Ben is shrieking, I go to this place in my mind where I am in a nice clean office sorting paperwork and listening to music on my ipod. I remember getting on airplanes and seeing the world, worrying about whether I have enough spending money for all the shoes I plan on buying. Who was that person? I do believe she is still in there somewhere, but I also know she was kind of self-absorbed and immature. Motherhood has grown me up if I can say that? I read an article recently about a woman who never felt that "urge" to have children. I get that, I know not everyone is meant to be a parent and that is totally fine. However her reasons were completely ridiculous in my not so humble opinion. Imagine if she couldn't go out whenever she wanted, or had to quit her job to stay home and mother? She called mothering a "black hole" where she might end up void of a personality or ambition or something. I was saddened by this article, not every mother loses herself in the process. It is possible to be a mother and a well -informed connected woman. Yes Motherhood is not a joke, or a walk in the park. It is hard work, you are on all the time. But the whole point is that we get the chance to influence and love an entire generation. We have the enormous challenge and opportunity to showour children how to live and interact and contribute. Motherhood is difficult and exhausting because it asks a lot of women. Motherhood grows women up because it reminds us that we are not the center of the world. Our own happiness and personal success is not the most important thing. Its not that they don't matter, I mean I want to be happy and successful, I do I believe I have been and am in my own way. As women we have the awesome task to be something more, something that seems small to many people but is ripe with significance. I really believe that true motherhood requires us to give of ourselves in ways that do not come naturally to the human race. It shows us how selfish we can be, how self-focused we often are. I may not be climbing the corporate ladder or having sushi and white wine out each night with my husband or girlfriends but I have the inexplicable joy of participating in the growth and life of a person. I celebrate every day the life and journey of my son. I am forced to live outside of myself and find joy in loving and giving to another person. I have found so much contentment in the small things. Small things like an evening hike, learning to cook something new, helping Ben learn to stand on his own, sitting on the back deck with my husband sipping cold wine and talking about the day, those things have brought me so much joy, more than I could have ever imagined. When the rush of life is quieted a little, and all my wild ambitions slow down I find that I can breathe, I mean really breathe. I can see the people I love and really give to them with my whole heart. I thank God, because I really believe he created us for these moments, these beautiful fleeting moments that I look forward to every day.