What Reading Tabloids Has Taught Me..

I know I haven't blogged in a week, don't worry I'm still here. I know you were all worried. I finally feel like I had some sleep after a week of craziness and Ben having some weird stomach thing that would NOT go away! For a week I felt like we had a newborn again and all day Mark and I walked around in a daze trying not to bump into walls or trip over shoes. Well I guess that describes me most mornings, but it usually wares off by the third cup of coffee.

Do any of these people look like
they should have a book deal?

So my big burning questions today is what is with all of these reality TV celebrities writing novels? Really? did ANY of them go to college or do anything interesting in life? and what in the world do they have to write about? and WHO are these people who are READING these books? I just saw that some silly girl from that Jersey Shore show is writing a novel...What? Is it about beer hats and DUI's? And this makes the NEWS? I need to stop watching GMA. Seriously. In my book the only thing worse than these folks publishing thier fiction is twenty or thirty something celebs who think their life is memoir worthy. I think publishers should have an age limit on memoirs: if you have not lived more than fifty years then you have nothing to say!

I hate how time is wasted on interviewing or headlining ridiculous people when there are those in the world actually contributing to society and helping others who should be spotlighted for their work and selflessness. But maybe that goes against the grain, being selfless and hard-working does not get you a book deal.Especially not in Hollywood. And if it does will most people read it? Fluff and fantasy are way more appealing than a something that challenges us to look at the way we live, to think about something outside of ourselves.

Confession: Often, When I am at the grocery store I look for the longest line so I can sneak a few unadulterated minutes to read tabloid magazines. I find myself lost in celebrity-land, imagining what it would be like to stroll around Santa Monica with my Starbucks and eons of shopping bags. Or hanging out on a Yacht in Saint Tropez on some fabulous last minute vacation. I look at their lives and like most regular Americans I get a little swept away and yes, jealous too.

But what am I jealous of exactly? Ok most of these celebs have lots of money...but at what price? There is always a price you pay for fame and fortune. Am I jealous that I am not followed around endlessly by cameras? That people no longer know how to say "no" to me? That in order to have a private life I have to be barricaded in my house with security cameras?

So after falling into tabloid la la land, I snap back to reality and look around me. Everyone is in fleeces and athletic sandals, shopping, planning for the next barbecue or family dinner, running errands, buying flowers, trying to stretch their last dollar. I have the freedom to be a nobody in the best way possible. Of course I am someone to my family and friends, but I am free to come and go and live without the whole world watching. I can be as uncool as I want and no one cares! I realize In how little I possess that I actually have SO much. And honestly we truly need so little to be happy and content in this life. I really really believe that. So I am ok with., no, totally at peace with my anonymous, uncomplicated, quiet, fleece wearing, Colorado life.

Cute Yoga Pants or Not....

Ben has been sick with some weird stomach bug so it was just Ben and I today. After laying around most of the morning I decided to take him on a walk, get some fresh air, hit up the library for some good reads. Well that was a loooong walk. My legs feel like jello now, but in a good way, if that is possible? It is a gorgeous day outside, bright and shiny and not too hot. Even though I feel exhausted I am glad we went.

Before we left I was buzzing with too much coffee and anxiety over finances and Ben's college prospects and whether we will EVER go on a vacation again...and so this walk was therapeutic in so many ways. You know how magazines, and books, and psychotherapists (like my husband) say that exercise is really important for reducing stress and anxiety? Well its TRUE! So, I knew that but the five minutes it takes to throw on my Aasics and get Ben in the stroller seem too long and too hard. I have so many excuses: My hair hasn't been washed in several days, my cuter and less tight Yoga pants are dirty, or I am in the middle of another Parenthood episode (good show by the way).

Today I was triumphant. I was able to bypass all my lame excuses and get out of the house! I went for that walk and my mind unwrapped itself a little bit and I was able to think more clearly. Ben napped and I drank in the fresh air and sunshine. I feel stronger, more positive and able to face the day. If you have an hour, thirty or even fifteen minutes get outside. Give your brain and body a much needed re-charge and refresher. So good hair or not, cute Yoga pants or ugly gym shorts, I promise you will feel like a million bucks or at least not so anxious.

Nap Time...Bane of My Existence

Nap time is one of the most amazing gifts when it happens. When it doesn't happen I feel like committing myself. Seriously. Any other mama's feel this way? Trying to get both boys down at the same time is a dream if it works, otherwise it is agonizing, hair-pulling madness!The crying and screaming, the going in and out of rooms, soothing, laying back down, digging under the crib for the pacifier, saying (OK sometimes shouting) "Nap-time Ben, Now!" Maybe the shouting makes it worse, but my patience has its limits. Today is one of those days where I get so frustrated I turn to ice cream in the freezer to numb me out (sometimes I sort of get why people want a drink before noon...but I promise I will stick with ice cream).I just want some comfort and something that is only for me even for the briefest moment.

I think the crying may have stopped, which means I have about an hour to breathe and put the kitchen back together. Or maybe just sit here and stare out the window and let my mind go blank for a bit? Or finish the book that I am savoring and rationing so I don't get through too fast. I had better stop writing and get busy unwinding before it all starts over and way too soon.

This Book Rocks

I am reading or should I say devouring The Help by Kathryn Stockett. Housework, bills, relationships, mothering...they can all take a backseat until I finish this book! This is a MUST read people, probably one of the best books I have read in a long time. I mean that. I am a bookworm and probably go through at least one book a week. Ask my husband, he is still in shock over my reading habits...he thinks I pulled one over on him and swears I didn't read this much when we were dating (of course not we were dating! I was distracted)! My reading habit is a little intense I know, and will probably interfere with how many children we plan on having. What can I do....I just can't survive without a good book! So this is my little blog rant for the day, I would write more but I have to get back to my book....

Crested Butte

We just returned from an incredible weekend with friends in Crested Butte. We went for long walks, visited local coffee shops, hiked, played in the park with kids, drank wine, cooked dinner and even saw a strange but entertaining, mother-earthish, town tradition bonfire. The bonfire was a fun bonus and Ben thought it was hilarious and cheered and clapped and then promptly fell asleep as soon as we sat him down in his stroller.

What happens when you think 3AM is party time

It is so good to get away for a few days and to find a new a different pace. Having no agenda, just going with whatever we fee like. Coffee at 6:30 AM? Hellooo yes! Coffee at 10AM? Of course! Coffee at 3:00? Great! Wine at 4:00? Even better! Now if Ben would have decided to sleep this weekend instead of crying and thinking play time starts at 3am it would have been perfect. But he is only one year old I can't get too mad and hold it against him. Now, If he pulls this at ten there might be words and screaming, but for now we will just let it go. 

The Wills and the Wells

I loved seeing the raw natural beauty of this place. It was such a gift and reminded me of how vast and varied this world is. To be surrounded by magnificent peaks and the clearest blue sky everywhere you looked was so moving and breathtaking. The Aspen trees were numerous there and all had changed color and were shimmering and golden. Thank you God for creating Aspen trees! I love them! And thank you Wills family for a great weekend and sharing a place you love with us. We feel very blessed.

Time....

This is a good day. I am saying this because it is ordinary but in a really good way. The past few weeks have been packed with meetings, family visits, friends, and parties all of which were enjoyable and exciting! However I realize how addicted I am to plans and events and basically any event I can pencil into my calendar. I look at those things I have written down and I feel important in a "Hey I have plans, I'm a big deal, I DO stuff" kind of way. I mean who wants to admit that most days we wake up to the same daily grind of work or chores or parenting? I want my life to be interesting and exciting and-shall I say it-BUSY!!! I know I have written about busyness before but I need to talk about it a little more. Busyness, I am realizing, robs me of time to able to find joy and peace in small things. I don't have time to stop and smell the proverbial roses, or even look at them and they are in my backyard even! In our culture today we look at having time as something to fill up and use. Hello...could this be part of our consumer hungry life-style? Yikes! We talk about recycling, being environmentally friendly, saving the earth....but how often do we stop to enjoy this earth we live in?

So today I thought about washing endless piles of laundry and watching shows on Hulu, but the day was beautiful and calling out to me. I loaded up the boys in the cumbersome double stroller and went for a walk. Wow, gorgeous morning, amazing, a gift! The air was cool and crisp and I could see the leaves are starting to change color. Later we came home refreshed and energized (well the boys were more falling apart because they needed naps but I was feeling great).Yet, I was no longer in that place of anxiety over what to "do" today or what I needed to get "done." Instead I felt as if I had a choice in how I would spend this day, I was reminded that I can't ever get it back.

  I took time today to bake for MOPS instead of buying something pre-made. I listened to an incredible Podcast featuring Chuck Colson discussing politics and faith and how they do and do not relate to each other. I stopped to read from my Bible and pray think about life and what matters most. I was reminded that God cares how we live and act and respond to others. I don't always get this rare gift of time to sit and listen or read and ponder things. This time I had today was a gift....one I often bypass with plans and busy-making.

It is so so so hard to stop sometimes. To say for an hour I am forgetting chores or that phone call I need to make or whatever...and I am going to stop and sit and breathe. I am going to think about something meaningful and challenging. I am going to read a chapter or listen to a song that moves me. These are the things that feed our souls and grow our hearts. We need time so that our hearts and minds can be filled up and renewed so that we are able to give to the many needs and demands in our lives.

Wow. My cinnamon coffee cake is burning...looks like time is up for now...but I look forward to finding it again tomorrow, even for five minutes. I'll take what I can get!

Goodbye Twenties...You've been pretty cool..

Tomorrow I hit the big 3.0. as in I turn 30! I am not having a big over the top bash nor will I be sobbing into my pillow (I hope), but I am looking forward to coffee with friends and dinner with my husband and maybe a little reflecting too. I remember, distinctly, turning 20. I could NOT wait to leave my teen years behind! My roommate and a few other friends kidnapped me, blindfolded me and took me to Grand Rapids for the night. I remember it being fun in a where the HECK are we going kind of way. Nowadays if say Mark were to "kidnap" me I am hoping to end up in Cabo or something.

 There were so many things I hoped for in my twenties, it was as if life was about to begin. Being 18 and 19 still felt too close to high school, and for the record I was NOT a big fan of high school. I ate lunch in the library and actually liked having homework. Is that weird?

 If I can reflect a little on the past ten years it makes me see that the twenties are so full of change and new experiences. Sometimes as I sit in my family room folding laundry or making grocery lists I forget that my life has been so incredibly interesting and full. I have this wealth of life to draw from. Things that remind me of who I am and where I am going. In ten years I have finished college, lived in a foreign country, moved to Colorado met and married my husband, finished grad school, moved to a different state and then moved back to Colorado, had a baby, bought a house, and SOME of my sanity is still in tact! Whoa...really?

OK 30 that is a tough act to follow. Most of those things (except for having more kiddos) I don't plan on repeating so we need to come up with some new dreams and aspirations here. Honestly though, I look at it as building a foundation, something to keep building upon. I believe that the past ten years have all worked to make me a more open and honest person. I am more open to God and his will and movement in my life. I believe that I am more honest with myself and with people. Maybe I am living more honestly in that I am aware that I am limited in what I can give or do, but God is able to do new and incredible things through me.

There was a time when I really believed I was indispensable and could do anything and everything. But you know, its not true. I can do some things pretty well, and a lot of things I fail at doing well or at all. And that is OK with me. My hope for the next ten years is that I can continue to learn and grow as a person. I want to love more and love better. I want to continue to have passions and dreams and desires. I want to know God in a deeper more life-altering way. I want to enjoy and cherish my family. I hope for all these things. If God has allowed so many amazing, painful, challenging, awe-inspiring, life-changing, and beautiful things to happen in my twenties why not so much more in my thirties? A girl can dream right? And from where I am standing hopes and dreams are what make life worth living.

This sad little face happens at least five to ten times a day.

Its true, this is the face he gives me after I tell him "No!" "Don't touch" "Let go!" "Stop that!" And then I go on and break his little one year old heart. All he wanted was to unplug the computer, play with my phone, or take the wipes out of the box one.by.one.

It is a funny thing though how one minute he is sobbing like a teenage girl and the next he is happily jabbering pushing his little baby walker around. I do love my little boy and today he sat in my lap for ten whole minutes and we snuggled. I would put up with an entire day of tears for just ten minutes of smelling his sweet baby skin and hearing his slow even breath. These young years fly I am told, and I believe it. So in the midst of sad faces and tears and unfortunate tantrums I savor the moments where he is just content and happy in my arms.

Still sick...and kind of liking it

Ahhhh...the end of a 3 day weekend. I wish all weekends could be this long, it feels just right. Some weekends we are so busy and crazy with life that I am completely wiped out on Mondays. Not this time. I wrote in my last post that I was sick and I mentioned that there are a few perks (in my deranged mind) that come with being sick. Disclaimer: I am not one of those people who look at being sick like some sort of personal challenge, I don't "suffer" through it and keep on keeping on. When I am sick, I give in, I bask in it, I lay around and ask people to bring me chicken broth and ginger-ale.

That said, I am thankful for sickness. Honestly. It is one of those things that makes me stop moving for once. No planning, plotting, organizing, cleaning (definitely no cleaning) showing up, nothing. In this country we are addicted to busyness. We don't like to say no to things good or bad, or miss any experience offered to us. Somewhere, somehow we have associated busyness with quality of life. We have CONFUSED it I should say. I am just as guilty as anyone, so this is why I welcome the occasional cold or flu (but NOT the stomach flu...I would rather be hit by a bus) because it makes me stop. Just STOP. And it is such a good thing to do, to just turn off life for a bit and make myself rest and think and reflect on life. Tonight, finishing out this long weekend I feel full and peaceful and like a sweet unlooked for gift was given to me. Its true it also came with a box of Kleenex and NyQuil, but I am glad for it all the same.

Being Sick Doesn't Mean No Shopping!

This being a three day weekend, Ben decided to share his lovely cold with me. Children can be so giving and generous at times. For the most part, I really hate being sick. But there are a few perks, those being 1) letting my house be wreck 2) if Ben is sick too he snuggles and I LOVE that 3) Mark waits on me hand and foot 4) I feel like I can complain without reservation 5) I can say "no" to things without thinking twice about whether someone will be offended or not...I'm SICK OK!

The funny thing is I laid in bed most of the morning and afternoon yesterday feeling miserable but somehow found the energy and fortitude to go shopping with my mom and Grandma for my birthday present. Its shopping people, SHOPPING, even the black plague would not have kept me from this once in a lifetime experience. The best part is I got to pick out something I wanted no matter the price AND Ben stayed at home with Mark. Shopping kid-free is not to be underestimated, ever. So I had a great time all the while sneezing into the crook of my arm and saying "oh, I'm fine, its nothing!"  After shopping I went right back to being sick and sorry for myself. Not one of my proudest moments in life, but hey I got some really cute stuff!

Why I am thankful for Bears

There are Bears in the neighbors tree today. BEARS as in more than one! I feel like a bonafide Coloradoan today folks. I was trying to get some good shots but I don't have any photography skills and my camera is one of those point and shoot ones so the bears look like black smudges in the trees. But I promise there are bears next door, happily napping about 30 feet off the ground. You will just have to take my word for it okay?

Our new neighbor (there are
2 more not pictured)

I know this may sound strange but I was happy to hear about the bears this morning. Yesterday was not of the best days of my and Mark's life together. We were talking about money and budgets and all those things that make me want to pull out tufts of hair and run around screaming. We have a hard time seeing eye-to-eye on money and budgeting and of course we both have our own baggage we insist on dragging into every conversation. Let's make one thing clear: I LOVE my husband. We are committed to each other and to our family and future together. Like most couples we argue about dumb things like taking out the trash or the "correct way" (totally Mark's thing) to load the dish-washer. I don't know what other couple's trigger points are, but ours are usually in the finance department. I hate, hate, hate having an issue where I can't see Mark, I mean really see him, his heart and soul in the midst of things. It is as if we keep looking past each other instead of at each other. Each of us have some sort of hill we would like to die on thank you very much and we don't want to budge. I get bent out of shape afraid that life will always be hard and money will always be the obstacle to keep it from getting easier. And maybe that is true. I think it is true for most people rich or poor. But I don't want to get into that discussion right now.

  Last night after the fight we went to bed really tired and argued-out. We were both feeling a little disconnected from each other, kind of sad and exhausted. It took me awhile to fall asleep, I kept hoping and praying that nothing had changed and that our love was still in tact. This morning Mark woke up for his early Friday morning breakfast with a friend, and he did something that reminded me of who he is. He got Ben up, gave him a bottle, made coffee, and took Ben to breakfast so I could sleep in and have my coffee when I was ready. He did all of that, the same as he always would fight or no fight, for me, because he loves me and is always thinking of my needs. He came home later and took me outside to see the bears in the trees and we both laughed and smiled together, and somehow our hearts felt lighter again.
What I am trying to say is that those moments in the midst of a dark and frustrating argument where you both feel a little lost, are not the truth, the center of your relationship. I really believe it is what happens later, afterwards that matters. It does not mean all our fears and anxieties about money or whatever problem are resolved. They definitely are still there.We are a work in progress, there is much for us learn and re-visit about this issue. But I think that you can come out the other side of something hard and still remember why you love and cherish that person. I want to be more like Mark, he reminds me each day that his love for me is not based upon whether I always fight fair or if we have a bad day, or if I am overly emotional etc. He loves me because he has chosen me and believes in the vows we made to each other on our wedding day. Mark makes me think about God and how He takes on all of our anger and fear. He absorbs all the blows and punches we throw his way, and he still loves us. He is still true and real and unchanging toward us.

I think those bears are still up in the tree ( I hope that they stay there and don't come charging toward my house) and I am going to take them as a sign that there is always something new each day, something beautiful and awe-inspiring to discover. I am thankful that this morning Mark and I could have that sort of moment together.

Jeggings...are you KIDDING me??

Are the 80's back? Here I am watching one of those TV talent shows and one of the acts is in a fitted leather jacket tight black jeans and BIG WHITE  high top tennis shoes with the laces hanging out. WOW. I mean what is happening? Not the era I thought anyone would want to re-live but what do I know right?

We miss this? Really?

This is me
 if you were wondering..

The other day Mark and I were out for a walk and I saw this teenage girl in stone washed jeans and a hot pink t-shirt that looks like she took a weed whacker to it.  She was popping her gum too and was walking down the street with her i-pod in this "I am cool and you are a nerdy mom" kind of way. I am not making any apologies for my fashion sense. I still like boot-cut jeans and flip-flops, that is high-fashion in my book. Sometimes I go for clogs...but those are more my winter shoes. These days I can't even go to the Gap without them trying to tell me that skinny jeans and (aggghhh!) jeggings are what I need! Nope. Definitely not what these hips need...maybe spanx but NOT skinny jeans. I am venting, and feeling kind of old. I am also realizing that I am two weeks away form my 30th birthday and that feels impossible to me, I think I was 20 like two minutes ago?  I even remember what I wore on my 20th birthday and it was cute too...boot cut jeans and flip flops maybe a red sweatshirt too...like I said high fashion! So the 80's are back and I am stuck somewhere in the year 2000 as far as fashion goes. As long as I don't descend to the low low depths of jean jumpers and mom-jeans I think I will be ok.

Up

This morning after putting the boys down for naps I went outside, sat in a chair and pulled out my handy Beth Moore devotional. If you haven't read previous blogs you won't know that it was a reach for me to even read a devotional! I hate that word "devotional" it makes me think of those creepy precious moments dolls. So maybe I will come up with a new word, but that isn't the point of this post.

 This morning I woke up feeling a certain heaviness. Days like this I feel dry, so dry. I keep trying to grab at anything that will make me feel full and satisfied. I grow frustrated with the monotony of daily tasks and find myself longing for real and deep life experiences.I want to connect, to be a part of something bigger. Sometimes I wonder about whether I am growing as a person, as a child of God? I can be so mean and snippy with my husband and incredibly impatient with my son. Today feels like I drew the short straw and my energy level is in the negatives. Today being a mom seems like a bad career choice.

Ok so back to the devotional. It was all about asking God to stretch us, letting God ask us to do the "hardest thing" whatever that may be. She writes that the "Longer I've walked with God in prayer and His Word and have come to love Him, the less I want him to let me off easy." WHAT!!! I must be praying the wrong prayer...I am always asking God "When will this get easier? When will everything not be so dang hard?" Well, I admit I know I am asking him the wrong questions. I am not looking in the right direction either. I want things to get easier in life so I can feel no pain or stress and just coast on through life until I die. Who doesn't feel that way at times? Honestly? When the bills pile up, your kids are making you nuts, your house seems to always be in some sort of chaotic need...basically fill int he blank here ___________ .I mean who doesn't cry out to the heavens "When will my life get easier! Give me a way out NOW!" But I KNOW that is the wrong question. From a Godly perspective, the question I need to ask is God is will you show me your love and mercy during this time? TEACH ME something and help me to trust you in this really hard process of growing and stretching. I tend to look in all directions but not up at my Creator, my wise Counselor, my friend. I want to stop asking for easy and start walking with God through the difficult and complicated days and seasons of life. He has so many incredible things to show me and teach in the journey, even in the moments of heartache, anger, and confusion. There is joy and peace and rest to be found as well. Even if we believe we do we NEVER walk alone. God is always with us, His love is deep and unfailing and always available to us. I want to see His presence and work in my life, especially on days like this, where everything feels so hard. So show me yourself God, I promise to try to look up more today.