Up

This morning after putting the boys down for naps I went outside, sat in a chair and pulled out my handy Beth Moore devotional. If you haven't read previous blogs you won't know that it was a reach for me to even read a devotional! I hate that word "devotional" it makes me think of those creepy precious moments dolls. So maybe I will come up with a new word, but that isn't the point of this post.

 This morning I woke up feeling a certain heaviness. Days like this I feel dry, so dry. I keep trying to grab at anything that will make me feel full and satisfied. I grow frustrated with the monotony of daily tasks and find myself longing for real and deep life experiences.I want to connect, to be a part of something bigger. Sometimes I wonder about whether I am growing as a person, as a child of God? I can be so mean and snippy with my husband and incredibly impatient with my son. Today feels like I drew the short straw and my energy level is in the negatives. Today being a mom seems like a bad career choice.

Ok so back to the devotional. It was all about asking God to stretch us, letting God ask us to do the "hardest thing" whatever that may be. She writes that the "Longer I've walked with God in prayer and His Word and have come to love Him, the less I want him to let me off easy." WHAT!!! I must be praying the wrong prayer...I am always asking God "When will this get easier? When will everything not be so dang hard?" Well, I admit I know I am asking him the wrong questions. I am not looking in the right direction either. I want things to get easier in life so I can feel no pain or stress and just coast on through life until I die. Who doesn't feel that way at times? Honestly? When the bills pile up, your kids are making you nuts, your house seems to always be in some sort of chaotic need...basically fill int he blank here ___________ .I mean who doesn't cry out to the heavens "When will my life get easier! Give me a way out NOW!" But I KNOW that is the wrong question. From a Godly perspective, the question I need to ask is God is will you show me your love and mercy during this time? TEACH ME something and help me to trust you in this really hard process of growing and stretching. I tend to look in all directions but not up at my Creator, my wise Counselor, my friend. I want to stop asking for easy and start walking with God through the difficult and complicated days and seasons of life. He has so many incredible things to show me and teach in the journey, even in the moments of heartache, anger, and confusion. There is joy and peace and rest to be found as well. Even if we believe we do we NEVER walk alone. God is always with us, His love is deep and unfailing and always available to us. I want to see His presence and work in my life, especially on days like this, where everything feels so hard. So show me yourself God, I promise to try to look up more today.