So I caved and turned on some Christmas music. I think all this pre-mature Christmas marketing on TV is getting the better of me. Mark built a roaring fire too which made me think of the holidays. Here we are a week out from our trip to OKC for Thanksgiving and I am wondering where the year went? It feels like yesterday that I brought home my pink screaming baby and now he is a very mobile tantrum throwing toddler!
The older I get the faster life seems to move. It is funny though, how long some days can be. I think this last Thursday seemed like five days crammed into one and not because I was being remotely productive (maybe that was my problem). For all of my wanting to make the most of this life and learning to be grateful for the small things, I still spend a lot of times wishing for things I do not have, longing for time to pass so I can be somewhere else. I know this is the plight of many mothers with small children. It is hard to be completely engaged, because let's face it, a lot of what we do is tedious and repetitive. My sister brilliantly put on her Facebook info page that she basically relives the same day every day, diapers, meals, naps, errands, rinse and repeat.
I am not trying to diminish the task of motherhood. It is a noble and crucial task. Staying home with our children is hard and I believe all good and worthwhile things come with a price. I want to get better at seeing the goal and having the perspective that these young years will pass all too quickly. So while it may seem that each day blends into the next, and some feel long and insignificant, its not true. Each day with Benjamin is a gift. I have the joy of being there, of witnessing his life and transformation from baby to child and someday adult. I have this challenge, this quest to nurture and pour into my family all of the love, grace, and patience that God gives me. I am not saying that motherhood is this altruistic thing for me. it is definitely not. I grow empty, I get tired, and I need to be filled up and recharged on a daily basis.
One night last week I was wiped out, I handed Ben to Mark and ran off to the bookstore for hot chocolate and a stack of books to look through. I felt revived by that short hour I spent thinking about other things, restoring my mind, thinking about more than what goes on within the four walls of my house. Other days its a walk alone with my dog, or coffee with a friend. I need those times where I can focus on my inner-life, a world I cultivated and still try to maintain outside of my son.
So maybe this post is a reminder to take care of ourselves so that we can be the best at what we do, so that we can survive those long days. I for one can make it through if I know there will be a moment that is all mine somewhere on the horizon.
So tonight, after Ben is in bed, I plan on sitting by the fire with my guitar and singing through my favorite Christmas songs. I know it sounds corny, but it makes me feel alive and peaceful. My hope is that those feelings trickle over into Monday morning...alongside my enormous pot of coffee.
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