Good Saturday...

I love a Saturday day and night in. I took two naps and only made it out for coffee and some groceries. It has been awhile since our last plans-free weekend, and we need more of them! Ben played outside and watched his dad rake up all the fall leaves. I love having time to see him discover new things and find wonder in simple pleasures like green grass and sunshine.

We took a nice walk through our funky neighborhood and commented on all the houses that looked normal as in not ones that look condemned or like they have meth labs inside or houses with 5 or 6 old cars parked on the lawn. This neighborhood can be iffy but its mostly full of blue collar hard-working people. I think I saw one house with a BMW parked in front, but it must have been someone visiting or someones fancy lawyer. Toyota is fancy here, maybe even Ford if its a model made after 1999. The one thing I love about this neighborhood is all of the mature trees. I can handle things being a little droopy if there are nice trees, the kind whose branches bow and sway in the wind with the sun shining through. Let me just say it was a gorgeous evening, one for the books.

This was a good day for processing through all my earlier madness. Mark told me I needed to cool it and stop obsessing and its true. We have a wonderful life, its full and blessed. For me to choose to live in constant anxiety over something I cannot control is like a slap in the face to God. I am telling him that all I have is not enough, or is not good enough for me. So I am taking my fictional "chill pill" ( I took the real kind after having Ben and it wasn't pretty), warm baths and good books always help. Nights in by the fireplace with my husband, smiles and giggles from my son. Long walks in the early evenings and dinner with good friends. I hope someday I will have another child to share this blessed life with, but that is up to God and his perfect timing. I can rest in that.

Waiting on two pink lines...and yes I know there needs to be two!

So we are trying to get pregnant again. There you go. It is out there, in the open and I am not apologizing or taking it back. I have never been a "hush" "hush" kind of person about my life or anything happening in it. I truly believe that pregnancy and birth or the loss of a pregnancy are a part of this big messy life we live. Not that I want to be brash or rude about losing a baby. I definitely don't. It is a hard and tremendously difficult thing to face and go through. I don't want that to happen and I know I would be heart-broken if it did. But, I also know that death and loss are a part of life, a part of the reality we live in. I believe that God intended us for whole-ness, and completion, and perfection but we do not live in that world now. Someday, but not now. So things happen that should not happen. We face losses and disappointments because we want our lives to be whole, we long for something more.

With all the ups and downs and craziness of motherhood I want the joy of having and knowing another child.
When I had Benjamin I was totally freaked out by it. I remember thinking, "This is nuts, I changed my mind, can he go back in for a little longer, at least until I get a nap?" But then after some time and a little more sleep I started to fall in love. And this love was so different, and so big and monumental. I thought I knew about love and what it means to give yourself to someone completely, but I was wrong. After having Ben I felt my heart grow bigger than I have ever known. This capacity to love my child so much literally took me by surprise. Today I see that the more we give love to another person (not asking for it in return) the more room we create to love better and more fully. I believe that God is using this experience of being a mother to challenge me, to grow me up, to show me how much I complain about everything! Ben may make my eyes cross out of frustration at times but I love him so so much. I am incredibly grateful for his life. It is easier to let go of things and keep going when I focus on that.

So we are in this crazy-making time of waiting to see if there is a baby or not. My eyes are about to fall out from reading fertility books and articles and then googling every strange feeling a sensation that I have. I have probably blown through about ten pregnancy tests, knowing all the while its too early to know. I'm compulsive about this OK ( I know some of you know what I mean)! If only I had this much determination about exercise or school..hmmm. 

I have another week or so and then we will see. I will want to announce something right away knowing how, yes, compulsive I am and  that I am a horrible HORRIBLE secret keeper, just FYI. But I promised Mark we would reign it in for a bit, and try to not tell people before we see a doc (BTW I LOVE my OB and sometimes want to get pregnant just so I can see her again..nutty I know).

If you see me around you can ask me about the process, just know I might have to lie to you...at least for a little while. :)

On Lost Remote Controls and Perspective..

Monday again. Hmmm. I am hoping for a good week, I am committing to breathing deep and letting go of stressful and unnecessary problems. I am going to enjoy the cooler weather and be thankful, thankful, thankful for my life and all the blessings big and small that I experience on a daily basis.

I am going to get over the fact that Ben hid the remote control again and be thankful for things like hulu and  free DVDs from the library. I was super annoyed this morning that I could not watch GMA this morning with my morning coffee. The channel is stuck on CBS, so Early Show it is! I realize that all these shows are pretty much the same. News, scandal, another boring cooking segment, buy this stupid gadget, and guilt-inducing parenting advice. Anyway, I am so over it, the lost remote and all. I will probably find it somewhere weird in about two months when I decide to reorganize the linen closet.

I realize how quickly I can let little annoyances set the tone for my day. I get angry that something out of my hands and control has happened, something I can't always fix easily. I focus on the frustrating minutiae of my day, things that don't really NEED to matter that much (i.e lost remote, spoiled milk, groceries I forgot to buy, overflowing laundry pile, Ben sticking his little hands in everything). Life is full of daily trials big and small, and often in the grand scheme of things the big ones are not really that important.

So what is important, I mean clearing all that other stuff away, and seeing what REALLY matters. Those things are actually pretty simple. Good health for my family, food, a warm house, joy and happiness, faith. So the house can be a wreck and I can be in m PJ's at 3PM and look at my son smile or watch the clouds in the sky and be glad, just be glad that God has given me another day to love and be loved, to give and be given to.

So its Monday and sometimes it feels like a slow slow ride until Friday. But I want this week to be different. I want to see each day as a gift, as a day for surprise and possibility, a chance to learn something and see where and how God is moving. I guess that is my prayer of sorts for today and for my life too. Okay Breathe.

Good Times

Here are a few of my favorites from the past week. Ben and Joe our dog are bonding these days, well sort of. Joe is tolerating being used as a human bean bag and having his ears and tail pulled on a regular basis. Poor dog. But hey his life is pretty good as far as dog-life goes. He gets to sleep in any corner of the house he wants and sometimes on the couch when he thinks no one is looking, and usually I remember to feed him too. And on rare occasions we go for a walk, but that is usually after he starts chasing his own tale out of boredom. Back in the days before Ben, he was our number one. Now, I have no idea what his position is, but he has definitely been demoted. But as I said before, his life isn't that bad, it could be worse. I think he likes having Ben around anyway, it keeps us distracted and off his case. And we love him, he's our stinky old dog. Part of the family for sure.

Ben's cousin Scarlett was over for a bit today and they had a blast! The funniest thing (besides the Lady GaGa dance party we had) was that they both wanted to play in Ben's crib. After I put them in there Scarlett waved at me and said "Ok, night. night. Bye!" As in"Get the heck outta here already!" too.stinkin'.cute. So I went to grab my camera (of course) and then spied on them a little. They were screaming and laughing and basically going nuts in the way only two toddlers can. Hilarious. So here are a few pictures, enjoy!

SAHM....its a tough job and well I signed up

Its been a couple weeks since my last post. The past few weeks have been rough and frustrating. I've been so tired and then busy on top of it all. I HATE  and LOVE being busy. I have a big mouth and say "yes" way too much. I love people and events and fun plans and in the moment I get carried away and everything sounds like a great idea. If I could, in those moments, glimpse the future, I would see myself exhausted and drooling into my pillow at night or waking up and crying into my morning coffee. That was a little bit dramatic, but you get the point right?

Anyway, the past few weeks have been dark and unfriendly, and yes, ROUGH. I have been all edgy and emotional (no NOT pregnant) and Mark has tried to be cheery and motivating which just made me more mad and annoyed. He is so nice to me, its just his way who he is. I cry and yell and he soothes and tells a joke.

NEWSFLASH: I truly struggle with being a stay at home mom. It is hard, probably the hardest daily choice I have had to make. I know there are some moms out there who love every diaper changing minute (but I think they must be a little nutty...maybe) but for me it can be a daily battle. Love and Hate. Those two seem like opposites but in my experience they are kind of similar. Years ago when I was in college and had philosophical thoughts I read in a book somewhere that Love and Hate run in the same vein. I think I must have spent two months pondering and journaling about that one.

 I LOVE my son intensely. I love his smile and quirky personality. I love his funny hair and his insatiable curiosity. I love his sleepy baby face after he wakes up from a nap and how much he loves to cuddle. I love being with him and being the one who has seen each milestone, the first step and all of that. I love being there to comfort him and hold him close when he is afraid or gets hurt.

But I HATE diapers and poop and endless piles of laundry. I hate the inconsolable crankiness and screech-owl imitations that my son is fond of. I hate that sometimes I feel like my brain is turning into mush and I can barely string a sentence together. I find that my vocabulary has dwindled and I feel like I have to remind people and myself  that I went to college and grad school and I know things OK! I hate that my patience feels so thin and limited at times. I hate feeling totally financially dependent on my husband...that one is recently the tough one for me. It is my ugly pride and not wanting to lean on him completely...dang women's lib!

The truth is that life is full of choices and sacrifices we must make.And not choosing is a choice within itself. We give up good things for better things. We let go of wants and needs in order to meet other needs and desires. We cannot have it all. Whoever told us we could was wrong, its NOT possible. Everyday that I question my choice to be home I also am reminded that I did not do it lightly. We thought and prayed about it. We reflected on our own childhoods and both of us had moms who stayed home, and we really believe it was to our benefit.

I remembered my childhood and the security and happiness of it. My mom was not perfect but she was a good and caring mother. Most of all she was there, all the time. She saw us, she played with us, she was there for the big and small moments of our lives. I never felt as if she was too busy or distracted to pay attention to our needs. She definitley was the "has eyes in the back of her head" mom. But that came from being present, from being with us all the time.

Still, being there, being home is hard. For the most part it isn't mentally stimulating or exciting. It is the nitty gritty. It is dirty and messy and energy absorbing. Being home is not glamorous, no one is offering promotions or bonuses or anything like that. I am not saying I sit around and stare at my child or play with him endlessly. The other night I read him a book because I remembered that I had not really stopped and read to him in weeks! But I try to be present and to listen and cheer him on and smile and laugh with him. I try to put myself and my attitude aside for his sake.

The pay off in the end is not really for me. The pay off is that my son knows he is loved, wanted, and cherished. I want him to be secure and strong in himself because he was loved and cared for from the very beginning. I want to set him up to face life in the best possible way, with confidence and a sense of well-being.

Good choices are often the hardest to make....(didn't my mom tell me that a million times growing up)! In fact it usually NEVER is easy. So this time in my life is hard, and I hate it sometimes but I see bright sides to it too. I am learning, I am growing, and I am being refined. These young years for my son of falling down,tears and cuddles, and laughter-I can't ever get those back. There will be a day when Ben doesn't fit in my lap anymore, when he doesn't need me in the same way. I will embarass him and he will not know how to relate to me. So right now, this is special, this is something to be cherished. Even if it is challenging and rough many days, I don't want to miss this. I don't want to miss him and who he is now and who he is becoming. I LOVE that, absolutely.