So we are trying to get pregnant again. There you go. It is out there, in the open and I am not apologizing or taking it back. I have never been a "hush" "hush" kind of person about my life or anything happening in it. I truly believe that pregnancy and birth or the loss of a pregnancy are a part of this big messy life we live. Not that I want to be brash or rude about losing a baby. I definitely don't. It is a hard and tremendously difficult thing to face and go through. I don't want that to happen and I know I would be heart-broken if it did. But, I also know that death and loss are a part of life, a part of the reality we live in. I believe that God intended us for whole-ness, and completion, and perfection but we do not live in that world now. Someday, but not now. So things happen that should not happen. We face losses and disappointments because we want our lives to be whole, we long for something more.
With all the ups and downs and craziness of motherhood I want the joy of having and knowing another child.
When I had Benjamin I was totally freaked out by it. I remember thinking, "This is nuts, I changed my mind, can he go back in for a little longer, at least until I get a nap?" But then after some time and a little more sleep I started to fall in love. And this love was so different, and so big and monumental. I thought I knew about love and what it means to give yourself to someone completely, but I was wrong. After having Ben I felt my heart grow bigger than I have ever known. This capacity to love my child so much literally took me by surprise. Today I see that the more we give love to another person (not asking for it in return) the more room we create to love better and more fully. I believe that God is using this experience of being a mother to challenge me, to grow me up, to show me how much I complain about everything! Ben may make my eyes cross out of frustration at times but I love him so so much. I am incredibly grateful for his life. It is easier to let go of things and keep going when I focus on that.
So we are in this crazy-making time of waiting to see if there is a baby or not. My eyes are about to fall out from reading fertility books and articles and then googling every strange feeling a sensation that I have. I have probably blown through about ten pregnancy tests, knowing all the while its too early to know. I'm compulsive about this OK ( I know some of you know what I mean)! If only I had this much determination about exercise or school..hmmm.
I have another week or so and then we will see. I will want to announce something right away knowing how, yes, compulsive I am and that I am a horrible HORRIBLE secret keeper, just FYI. But I promised Mark we would reign it in for a bit, and try to not tell people before we see a doc (BTW I LOVE my OB and sometimes want to get pregnant just so I can see her again..nutty I know).
If you see me around you can ask me about the process, just know I might have to lie to you...at least for a little while. :)
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