SAHM....its a tough job and well I signed up

Its been a couple weeks since my last post. The past few weeks have been rough and frustrating. I've been so tired and then busy on top of it all. I HATE  and LOVE being busy. I have a big mouth and say "yes" way too much. I love people and events and fun plans and in the moment I get carried away and everything sounds like a great idea. If I could, in those moments, glimpse the future, I would see myself exhausted and drooling into my pillow at night or waking up and crying into my morning coffee. That was a little bit dramatic, but you get the point right?

Anyway, the past few weeks have been dark and unfriendly, and yes, ROUGH. I have been all edgy and emotional (no NOT pregnant) and Mark has tried to be cheery and motivating which just made me more mad and annoyed. He is so nice to me, its just his way who he is. I cry and yell and he soothes and tells a joke.

NEWSFLASH: I truly struggle with being a stay at home mom. It is hard, probably the hardest daily choice I have had to make. I know there are some moms out there who love every diaper changing minute (but I think they must be a little nutty...maybe) but for me it can be a daily battle. Love and Hate. Those two seem like opposites but in my experience they are kind of similar. Years ago when I was in college and had philosophical thoughts I read in a book somewhere that Love and Hate run in the same vein. I think I must have spent two months pondering and journaling about that one.

 I LOVE my son intensely. I love his smile and quirky personality. I love his funny hair and his insatiable curiosity. I love his sleepy baby face after he wakes up from a nap and how much he loves to cuddle. I love being with him and being the one who has seen each milestone, the first step and all of that. I love being there to comfort him and hold him close when he is afraid or gets hurt.

But I HATE diapers and poop and endless piles of laundry. I hate the inconsolable crankiness and screech-owl imitations that my son is fond of. I hate that sometimes I feel like my brain is turning into mush and I can barely string a sentence together. I find that my vocabulary has dwindled and I feel like I have to remind people and myself  that I went to college and grad school and I know things OK! I hate that my patience feels so thin and limited at times. I hate feeling totally financially dependent on my husband...that one is recently the tough one for me. It is my ugly pride and not wanting to lean on him completely...dang women's lib!

The truth is that life is full of choices and sacrifices we must make.And not choosing is a choice within itself. We give up good things for better things. We let go of wants and needs in order to meet other needs and desires. We cannot have it all. Whoever told us we could was wrong, its NOT possible. Everyday that I question my choice to be home I also am reminded that I did not do it lightly. We thought and prayed about it. We reflected on our own childhoods and both of us had moms who stayed home, and we really believe it was to our benefit.

I remembered my childhood and the security and happiness of it. My mom was not perfect but she was a good and caring mother. Most of all she was there, all the time. She saw us, she played with us, she was there for the big and small moments of our lives. I never felt as if she was too busy or distracted to pay attention to our needs. She definitley was the "has eyes in the back of her head" mom. But that came from being present, from being with us all the time.

Still, being there, being home is hard. For the most part it isn't mentally stimulating or exciting. It is the nitty gritty. It is dirty and messy and energy absorbing. Being home is not glamorous, no one is offering promotions or bonuses or anything like that. I am not saying I sit around and stare at my child or play with him endlessly. The other night I read him a book because I remembered that I had not really stopped and read to him in weeks! But I try to be present and to listen and cheer him on and smile and laugh with him. I try to put myself and my attitude aside for his sake.

The pay off in the end is not really for me. The pay off is that my son knows he is loved, wanted, and cherished. I want him to be secure and strong in himself because he was loved and cared for from the very beginning. I want to set him up to face life in the best possible way, with confidence and a sense of well-being.

Good choices are often the hardest to make....(didn't my mom tell me that a million times growing up)! In fact it usually NEVER is easy. So this time in my life is hard, and I hate it sometimes but I see bright sides to it too. I am learning, I am growing, and I am being refined. These young years for my son of falling down,tears and cuddles, and laughter-I can't ever get those back. There will be a day when Ben doesn't fit in my lap anymore, when he doesn't need me in the same way. I will embarass him and he will not know how to relate to me. So right now, this is special, this is something to be cherished. Even if it is challenging and rough many days, I don't want to miss this. I don't want to miss him and who he is now and who he is becoming. I LOVE that, absolutely.