Still sick...and kind of liking it

Ahhhh...the end of a 3 day weekend. I wish all weekends could be this long, it feels just right. Some weekends we are so busy and crazy with life that I am completely wiped out on Mondays. Not this time. I wrote in my last post that I was sick and I mentioned that there are a few perks (in my deranged mind) that come with being sick. Disclaimer: I am not one of those people who look at being sick like some sort of personal challenge, I don't "suffer" through it and keep on keeping on. When I am sick, I give in, I bask in it, I lay around and ask people to bring me chicken broth and ginger-ale.

That said, I am thankful for sickness. Honestly. It is one of those things that makes me stop moving for once. No planning, plotting, organizing, cleaning (definitely no cleaning) showing up, nothing. In this country we are addicted to busyness. We don't like to say no to things good or bad, or miss any experience offered to us. Somewhere, somehow we have associated busyness with quality of life. We have CONFUSED it I should say. I am just as guilty as anyone, so this is why I welcome the occasional cold or flu (but NOT the stomach flu...I would rather be hit by a bus) because it makes me stop. Just STOP. And it is such a good thing to do, to just turn off life for a bit and make myself rest and think and reflect on life. Tonight, finishing out this long weekend I feel full and peaceful and like a sweet unlooked for gift was given to me. Its true it also came with a box of Kleenex and NyQuil, but I am glad for it all the same.

Being Sick Doesn't Mean No Shopping!

This being a three day weekend, Ben decided to share his lovely cold with me. Children can be so giving and generous at times. For the most part, I really hate being sick. But there are a few perks, those being 1) letting my house be wreck 2) if Ben is sick too he snuggles and I LOVE that 3) Mark waits on me hand and foot 4) I feel like I can complain without reservation 5) I can say "no" to things without thinking twice about whether someone will be offended or not...I'm SICK OK!

The funny thing is I laid in bed most of the morning and afternoon yesterday feeling miserable but somehow found the energy and fortitude to go shopping with my mom and Grandma for my birthday present. Its shopping people, SHOPPING, even the black plague would not have kept me from this once in a lifetime experience. The best part is I got to pick out something I wanted no matter the price AND Ben stayed at home with Mark. Shopping kid-free is not to be underestimated, ever. So I had a great time all the while sneezing into the crook of my arm and saying "oh, I'm fine, its nothing!"  After shopping I went right back to being sick and sorry for myself. Not one of my proudest moments in life, but hey I got some really cute stuff!

Why I am thankful for Bears

There are Bears in the neighbors tree today. BEARS as in more than one! I feel like a bonafide Coloradoan today folks. I was trying to get some good shots but I don't have any photography skills and my camera is one of those point and shoot ones so the bears look like black smudges in the trees. But I promise there are bears next door, happily napping about 30 feet off the ground. You will just have to take my word for it okay?

Our new neighbor (there are
2 more not pictured)

I know this may sound strange but I was happy to hear about the bears this morning. Yesterday was not of the best days of my and Mark's life together. We were talking about money and budgets and all those things that make me want to pull out tufts of hair and run around screaming. We have a hard time seeing eye-to-eye on money and budgeting and of course we both have our own baggage we insist on dragging into every conversation. Let's make one thing clear: I LOVE my husband. We are committed to each other and to our family and future together. Like most couples we argue about dumb things like taking out the trash or the "correct way" (totally Mark's thing) to load the dish-washer. I don't know what other couple's trigger points are, but ours are usually in the finance department. I hate, hate, hate having an issue where I can't see Mark, I mean really see him, his heart and soul in the midst of things. It is as if we keep looking past each other instead of at each other. Each of us have some sort of hill we would like to die on thank you very much and we don't want to budge. I get bent out of shape afraid that life will always be hard and money will always be the obstacle to keep it from getting easier. And maybe that is true. I think it is true for most people rich or poor. But I don't want to get into that discussion right now.

  Last night after the fight we went to bed really tired and argued-out. We were both feeling a little disconnected from each other, kind of sad and exhausted. It took me awhile to fall asleep, I kept hoping and praying that nothing had changed and that our love was still in tact. This morning Mark woke up for his early Friday morning breakfast with a friend, and he did something that reminded me of who he is. He got Ben up, gave him a bottle, made coffee, and took Ben to breakfast so I could sleep in and have my coffee when I was ready. He did all of that, the same as he always would fight or no fight, for me, because he loves me and is always thinking of my needs. He came home later and took me outside to see the bears in the trees and we both laughed and smiled together, and somehow our hearts felt lighter again.
What I am trying to say is that those moments in the midst of a dark and frustrating argument where you both feel a little lost, are not the truth, the center of your relationship. I really believe it is what happens later, afterwards that matters. It does not mean all our fears and anxieties about money or whatever problem are resolved. They definitely are still there.We are a work in progress, there is much for us learn and re-visit about this issue. But I think that you can come out the other side of something hard and still remember why you love and cherish that person. I want to be more like Mark, he reminds me each day that his love for me is not based upon whether I always fight fair or if we have a bad day, or if I am overly emotional etc. He loves me because he has chosen me and believes in the vows we made to each other on our wedding day. Mark makes me think about God and how He takes on all of our anger and fear. He absorbs all the blows and punches we throw his way, and he still loves us. He is still true and real and unchanging toward us.

I think those bears are still up in the tree ( I hope that they stay there and don't come charging toward my house) and I am going to take them as a sign that there is always something new each day, something beautiful and awe-inspiring to discover. I am thankful that this morning Mark and I could have that sort of moment together.

Jeggings...are you KIDDING me??

Are the 80's back? Here I am watching one of those TV talent shows and one of the acts is in a fitted leather jacket tight black jeans and BIG WHITE  high top tennis shoes with the laces hanging out. WOW. I mean what is happening? Not the era I thought anyone would want to re-live but what do I know right?

We miss this? Really?

This is me
 if you were wondering..

The other day Mark and I were out for a walk and I saw this teenage girl in stone washed jeans and a hot pink t-shirt that looks like she took a weed whacker to it.  She was popping her gum too and was walking down the street with her i-pod in this "I am cool and you are a nerdy mom" kind of way. I am not making any apologies for my fashion sense. I still like boot-cut jeans and flip-flops, that is high-fashion in my book. Sometimes I go for clogs...but those are more my winter shoes. These days I can't even go to the Gap without them trying to tell me that skinny jeans and (aggghhh!) jeggings are what I need! Nope. Definitely not what these hips need...maybe spanx but NOT skinny jeans. I am venting, and feeling kind of old. I am also realizing that I am two weeks away form my 30th birthday and that feels impossible to me, I think I was 20 like two minutes ago?  I even remember what I wore on my 20th birthday and it was cute too...boot cut jeans and flip flops maybe a red sweatshirt too...like I said high fashion! So the 80's are back and I am stuck somewhere in the year 2000 as far as fashion goes. As long as I don't descend to the low low depths of jean jumpers and mom-jeans I think I will be ok.

Up

This morning after putting the boys down for naps I went outside, sat in a chair and pulled out my handy Beth Moore devotional. If you haven't read previous blogs you won't know that it was a reach for me to even read a devotional! I hate that word "devotional" it makes me think of those creepy precious moments dolls. So maybe I will come up with a new word, but that isn't the point of this post.

 This morning I woke up feeling a certain heaviness. Days like this I feel dry, so dry. I keep trying to grab at anything that will make me feel full and satisfied. I grow frustrated with the monotony of daily tasks and find myself longing for real and deep life experiences.I want to connect, to be a part of something bigger. Sometimes I wonder about whether I am growing as a person, as a child of God? I can be so mean and snippy with my husband and incredibly impatient with my son. Today feels like I drew the short straw and my energy level is in the negatives. Today being a mom seems like a bad career choice.

Ok so back to the devotional. It was all about asking God to stretch us, letting God ask us to do the "hardest thing" whatever that may be. She writes that the "Longer I've walked with God in prayer and His Word and have come to love Him, the less I want him to let me off easy." WHAT!!! I must be praying the wrong prayer...I am always asking God "When will this get easier? When will everything not be so dang hard?" Well, I admit I know I am asking him the wrong questions. I am not looking in the right direction either. I want things to get easier in life so I can feel no pain or stress and just coast on through life until I die. Who doesn't feel that way at times? Honestly? When the bills pile up, your kids are making you nuts, your house seems to always be in some sort of chaotic need...basically fill int he blank here ___________ .I mean who doesn't cry out to the heavens "When will my life get easier! Give me a way out NOW!" But I KNOW that is the wrong question. From a Godly perspective, the question I need to ask is God is will you show me your love and mercy during this time? TEACH ME something and help me to trust you in this really hard process of growing and stretching. I tend to look in all directions but not up at my Creator, my wise Counselor, my friend. I want to stop asking for easy and start walking with God through the difficult and complicated days and seasons of life. He has so many incredible things to show me and teach in the journey, even in the moments of heartache, anger, and confusion. There is joy and peace and rest to be found as well. Even if we believe we do we NEVER walk alone. God is always with us, His love is deep and unfailing and always available to us. I want to see His presence and work in my life, especially on days like this, where everything feels so hard. So show me yourself God, I promise to try to look up more today.

Noah's Ark

I love this pic he's like
 "Mom I can't believe
 you just said that!!"

Ben is watching Baby Einstein's Noah's Ark...he always claps and cheers for the kangaroos and it makes me laugh every time. Then the seals come on and bark and he shakes his head and tries to bark at them...wow there IS something going on in that little noggin of his! Sometimes I wonder, what a one year old thinks about?  I mean he reads his books upside down sometimes...but he still points at the pictures and says something like "aweewhaawoo...dat!" I am not sure when he will start communicating in human language but I know that he is engaged in his world and LOVES life! A one year old can really remind us grumpy older people that life is full of new and interesting things if we would only take a moment and look around. Benjamin's presence is a constant reminder to me to be curious, always curious about the world I live in. I love the wonder of a child, we all need more of that in our lives!

Trying to be Cool makes me tired....

Last night I put on my big girl shoes and went to Red Rocks amphitheater to see Ray LaMontagne and David Gray.Wow Wow Wow. I loved it! For the most part it was sensational! Well, the first hour and a half was incredible and then 9:30 PM (my nerdy early bed-time) rolled around and it could have been John Lennon back from the dead on stage and I would not have cared...I just wanted to sleep! Does this mean I am getting old? I think so, that and sleep has become a major priority in my life. I remember the good old days of partying on a school night, dates with Mark that went into the wee hours of the night. Sleep was something to catch up on over the weekend. These days its like a timer goes off in my head "ding" its 9:30 and my bed-time, sorry people I'm outta here! It didn't help that one of David Gray's songs meandered on and on and on for like 18 minutes or something. It was like he made up a song at the end of a different song. He is hard to understand when he sings but I am pretty sure there was a line in there where he compared his lover to lichen on a fusel lodge...oh and he said something about Sonic Booms too...yeah. weird.

Ray LaMontagne..can you see
him?

Anyway, I did enjoy the concert, and we danced and sang and cheered and laughed at other people who were dancing and singing around us. Seriously, skinny white guy sitting in front of us, I don't know where you learned your moves, but I would keep those to yourself...kind of scary. But I loved hearing good music and listening to someone share their passion and creativity. I was blown away by Ray LaMontagne. That sort of extraordinary talent mixed with humility is unheard of these days. His music really moved me, and it felt good  to be moved by something outside of the ordinary, to enter the creative world of another human being. I appreciate that there are still true and honest musicians out there, who write and create for the sake of art and the need to express who they are.

Honestly though, I am so dang tired today and all I can think about is a hot bath, a good book, and my comfy bed....bed-time may come even earlier tonight!