Bedrest...makes me ramble

I know I abandoned ship with the whole blogging thing. After Thanksgiving (wow back in 2010) we found out we were pregnant with baby boy #2! Well we did not know it was a boy then, just a little pea sized something that made me royally sick. However, I just let everything slide including this blog. I just had nothing to say but "Dang I'm tired!" Being pregnant the second time around and with a maniacal toddler running around is rough. I think back to the "blissful" days I had being pregnant with Benjamin, wearing my cute maternity clothes, shopping at Whole Foods, putting my feet up after work. Oh, and sleeping in on weekends, but I have been missing that for close to two years now!

Anyway, I am re-engaging the blog because after a couple of insane weeks in and out of Labor/Delivery for Pre-term labor contractions the doctor put me on bed rest. At first it was for a week but my body just does not want to calm down so she is extending it most likely until I am full-term. So begins my internment to my bed, couch, and bathroom. That will be my life for the next 9 weeks or so.

Thankfully I have incredible friends and family who have been helping me with Ben and bringing over food, cleaning, etc. I have been so blessed by so many and I realize the benefit and goodness found in true community, especially my church community. Y'all know who you are!

I am trying to take this a day at a time. I can't think to much about it or I might start throwing things or just run out of my house screaming. I feel like I am grieving my summer and all the things I would normally do with Ben, all the plans big and small that I had. I was really looking forward to having a couple of months to just be with Benjamin, to make some fun memories, and have all these fun little summertime outings. So I am sad and disappointed. I have definitely cried it out, a few times, and said "I can't do it! No way! I am going to the mall!" Just to be dramatic. But I don't want to spend this time feeling sorry for myself every day. I think this time can be full of surprises and little joys and triumphs too. I am truly thankful to have good doctors and nurses caring for me and doing their best to make sure this little boy stays in as long as possible. Cook little baby cook!!

So today was uneventful to the normal able-bodied person, but this is all I have. Read a book, eat a cookie, watch a movie, take a bath, check facebook 500 times, brush my teeth, sit outside in the sweltering heat, check facebook again, eat some yogurt, check the mail (again), BLOG! And Mark will be home in about 10 minutes, so now I say it was a successful BR day, I made it!

The Days are Long but the Years are Short...and I Need a Break!

So I caved and turned on some Christmas music. I think all this pre-mature Christmas marketing on TV is getting the better of me. Mark built a roaring fire too which made me think of the holidays. Here we are a week out from our trip to OKC for Thanksgiving and I am wondering where the year went? It feels like yesterday that I brought home my pink screaming baby and now he is a very mobile tantrum throwing toddler!

The older I get the faster life seems to move. It is funny though, how long some days can be. I think this last Thursday seemed like five days crammed into one and not because I was being remotely productive (maybe that was my problem). For all of my wanting to make the most of this life and learning to be grateful for the small things, I still spend a lot of times wishing for things I do not have, longing for time to pass so I can be somewhere else. I know this is the plight of many mothers with small children. It is hard to be completely engaged, because let's face it, a lot of what we do is tedious and repetitive. My sister brilliantly put on her Facebook info page that she basically relives the same day every day, diapers, meals, naps, errands, rinse and repeat.
I am not trying to diminish the task of motherhood. It is a noble and crucial task. Staying home with our children is hard and I believe all good and worthwhile things come with a price. I want to get better at seeing the goal and having the perspective that these young years will pass all too quickly. So while it may seem that each day blends into the next, and some feel long and insignificant, its not true. Each day with Benjamin is a gift. I have the joy of being there, of witnessing his life and transformation from baby to child and someday adult. I have this challenge, this quest to nurture and pour into my family all of the love, grace, and patience that God gives me. I am not saying that motherhood is this altruistic thing for me. it is definitely not. I grow empty, I get tired, and I need to be filled up and recharged on a daily basis.

One night last week I was wiped out, I handed Ben to Mark and ran off to the bookstore for hot chocolate and a stack of books to look through. I felt revived by that short hour I spent thinking about other things, restoring my mind, thinking about more than what goes on within the four walls of my house. Other days its a walk alone with my dog, or coffee with a friend. I need those times where I can focus on my inner-life, a world I cultivated and still try to maintain outside of my son.
So maybe this post is a reminder to take care of ourselves so that we can be the best at what we do, so that we can survive those long days. I for one can make it through if I know there will be a moment that is all mine somewhere on the horizon.

So tonight, after Ben is in bed, I plan on sitting by the fire with my guitar and singing through my favorite Christmas songs. I know it sounds corny, but it makes me feel alive and peaceful. My hope is that those feelings trickle over into Monday morning...alongside my enormous pot of coffee.

Madness, Reality Check, Moving On...

So, after a month of sheer madness, no dice. Aunt Flo showed, and I have to say I was sad, but also relieved a little. When we decided to try for baby number two I was sure and honestly, a little freaked out that it would happen right away like it did with Ben. I realize now that I need time to sit with this decision and let my body chill out for a bit. I am charting now (using the Taking Charge of Your Fertility book) and doing the whole morning temp thing, so we will see if I can stay on track that way. If I can get this charting down maybe I won't freak out and buy tons of pregnancy tests, consequently spending all of our grocery money for two weeks. Yeah, Mark was not too happy about that. So this month I am making a commitment to taking each day in stride, breathing deep ( I forget to do that A LOT) and enjoying the approach of the holidays. And not buying anymore tests until I am SURE it is necessary!

I will say one of the benefits of charting is that it gives you a feeling of control, something pro-active to do every day, getting familiar with your body and cycles. Ask me in a month how consistent I have been, but I really get why women do this. It makes sense, it eases some stress, it helps us to know what to expect.

With all the mania, I have let my house go to the dogs (truly, Joe's hair is everywhere) so my plan today is to try out my spiffy new mop, fold some laundry, finally clean my grubby bathroom and get out for a walk on this last nice warm day for awhile. Is Starbucks in my future...it is a definite possibility. Oh and I have keep two kiddos happy and fed too....sometimes the hardest part of the day!

Good Saturday...

I love a Saturday day and night in. I took two naps and only made it out for coffee and some groceries. It has been awhile since our last plans-free weekend, and we need more of them! Ben played outside and watched his dad rake up all the fall leaves. I love having time to see him discover new things and find wonder in simple pleasures like green grass and sunshine.

We took a nice walk through our funky neighborhood and commented on all the houses that looked normal as in not ones that look condemned or like they have meth labs inside or houses with 5 or 6 old cars parked on the lawn. This neighborhood can be iffy but its mostly full of blue collar hard-working people. I think I saw one house with a BMW parked in front, but it must have been someone visiting or someones fancy lawyer. Toyota is fancy here, maybe even Ford if its a model made after 1999. The one thing I love about this neighborhood is all of the mature trees. I can handle things being a little droopy if there are nice trees, the kind whose branches bow and sway in the wind with the sun shining through. Let me just say it was a gorgeous evening, one for the books.

This was a good day for processing through all my earlier madness. Mark told me I needed to cool it and stop obsessing and its true. We have a wonderful life, its full and blessed. For me to choose to live in constant anxiety over something I cannot control is like a slap in the face to God. I am telling him that all I have is not enough, or is not good enough for me. So I am taking my fictional "chill pill" ( I took the real kind after having Ben and it wasn't pretty), warm baths and good books always help. Nights in by the fireplace with my husband, smiles and giggles from my son. Long walks in the early evenings and dinner with good friends. I hope someday I will have another child to share this blessed life with, but that is up to God and his perfect timing. I can rest in that.

Waiting on two pink lines...and yes I know there needs to be two!

So we are trying to get pregnant again. There you go. It is out there, in the open and I am not apologizing or taking it back. I have never been a "hush" "hush" kind of person about my life or anything happening in it. I truly believe that pregnancy and birth or the loss of a pregnancy are a part of this big messy life we live. Not that I want to be brash or rude about losing a baby. I definitely don't. It is a hard and tremendously difficult thing to face and go through. I don't want that to happen and I know I would be heart-broken if it did. But, I also know that death and loss are a part of life, a part of the reality we live in. I believe that God intended us for whole-ness, and completion, and perfection but we do not live in that world now. Someday, but not now. So things happen that should not happen. We face losses and disappointments because we want our lives to be whole, we long for something more.

With all the ups and downs and craziness of motherhood I want the joy of having and knowing another child.
When I had Benjamin I was totally freaked out by it. I remember thinking, "This is nuts, I changed my mind, can he go back in for a little longer, at least until I get a nap?" But then after some time and a little more sleep I started to fall in love. And this love was so different, and so big and monumental. I thought I knew about love and what it means to give yourself to someone completely, but I was wrong. After having Ben I felt my heart grow bigger than I have ever known. This capacity to love my child so much literally took me by surprise. Today I see that the more we give love to another person (not asking for it in return) the more room we create to love better and more fully. I believe that God is using this experience of being a mother to challenge me, to grow me up, to show me how much I complain about everything! Ben may make my eyes cross out of frustration at times but I love him so so much. I am incredibly grateful for his life. It is easier to let go of things and keep going when I focus on that.

So we are in this crazy-making time of waiting to see if there is a baby or not. My eyes are about to fall out from reading fertility books and articles and then googling every strange feeling a sensation that I have. I have probably blown through about ten pregnancy tests, knowing all the while its too early to know. I'm compulsive about this OK ( I know some of you know what I mean)! If only I had this much determination about exercise or school..hmmm. 

I have another week or so and then we will see. I will want to announce something right away knowing how, yes, compulsive I am and  that I am a horrible HORRIBLE secret keeper, just FYI. But I promised Mark we would reign it in for a bit, and try to not tell people before we see a doc (BTW I LOVE my OB and sometimes want to get pregnant just so I can see her again..nutty I know).

If you see me around you can ask me about the process, just know I might have to lie to you...at least for a little while. :)

On Lost Remote Controls and Perspective..

Monday again. Hmmm. I am hoping for a good week, I am committing to breathing deep and letting go of stressful and unnecessary problems. I am going to enjoy the cooler weather and be thankful, thankful, thankful for my life and all the blessings big and small that I experience on a daily basis.

I am going to get over the fact that Ben hid the remote control again and be thankful for things like hulu and  free DVDs from the library. I was super annoyed this morning that I could not watch GMA this morning with my morning coffee. The channel is stuck on CBS, so Early Show it is! I realize that all these shows are pretty much the same. News, scandal, another boring cooking segment, buy this stupid gadget, and guilt-inducing parenting advice. Anyway, I am so over it, the lost remote and all. I will probably find it somewhere weird in about two months when I decide to reorganize the linen closet.

I realize how quickly I can let little annoyances set the tone for my day. I get angry that something out of my hands and control has happened, something I can't always fix easily. I focus on the frustrating minutiae of my day, things that don't really NEED to matter that much (i.e lost remote, spoiled milk, groceries I forgot to buy, overflowing laundry pile, Ben sticking his little hands in everything). Life is full of daily trials big and small, and often in the grand scheme of things the big ones are not really that important.

So what is important, I mean clearing all that other stuff away, and seeing what REALLY matters. Those things are actually pretty simple. Good health for my family, food, a warm house, joy and happiness, faith. So the house can be a wreck and I can be in m PJ's at 3PM and look at my son smile or watch the clouds in the sky and be glad, just be glad that God has given me another day to love and be loved, to give and be given to.

So its Monday and sometimes it feels like a slow slow ride until Friday. But I want this week to be different. I want to see each day as a gift, as a day for surprise and possibility, a chance to learn something and see where and how God is moving. I guess that is my prayer of sorts for today and for my life too. Okay Breathe.

Good Times

Here are a few of my favorites from the past week. Ben and Joe our dog are bonding these days, well sort of. Joe is tolerating being used as a human bean bag and having his ears and tail pulled on a regular basis. Poor dog. But hey his life is pretty good as far as dog-life goes. He gets to sleep in any corner of the house he wants and sometimes on the couch when he thinks no one is looking, and usually I remember to feed him too. And on rare occasions we go for a walk, but that is usually after he starts chasing his own tale out of boredom. Back in the days before Ben, he was our number one. Now, I have no idea what his position is, but he has definitely been demoted. But as I said before, his life isn't that bad, it could be worse. I think he likes having Ben around anyway, it keeps us distracted and off his case. And we love him, he's our stinky old dog. Part of the family for sure.

Ben's cousin Scarlett was over for a bit today and they had a blast! The funniest thing (besides the Lady GaGa dance party we had) was that they both wanted to play in Ben's crib. After I put them in there Scarlett waved at me and said "Ok, night. night. Bye!" As in"Get the heck outta here already!" too.stinkin'.cute. So I went to grab my camera (of course) and then spied on them a little. They were screaming and laughing and basically going nuts in the way only two toddlers can. Hilarious. So here are a few pictures, enjoy!

SAHM....its a tough job and well I signed up

Its been a couple weeks since my last post. The past few weeks have been rough and frustrating. I've been so tired and then busy on top of it all. I HATE  and LOVE being busy. I have a big mouth and say "yes" way too much. I love people and events and fun plans and in the moment I get carried away and everything sounds like a great idea. If I could, in those moments, glimpse the future, I would see myself exhausted and drooling into my pillow at night or waking up and crying into my morning coffee. That was a little bit dramatic, but you get the point right?

Anyway, the past few weeks have been dark and unfriendly, and yes, ROUGH. I have been all edgy and emotional (no NOT pregnant) and Mark has tried to be cheery and motivating which just made me more mad and annoyed. He is so nice to me, its just his way who he is. I cry and yell and he soothes and tells a joke.

NEWSFLASH: I truly struggle with being a stay at home mom. It is hard, probably the hardest daily choice I have had to make. I know there are some moms out there who love every diaper changing minute (but I think they must be a little nutty...maybe) but for me it can be a daily battle. Love and Hate. Those two seem like opposites but in my experience they are kind of similar. Years ago when I was in college and had philosophical thoughts I read in a book somewhere that Love and Hate run in the same vein. I think I must have spent two months pondering and journaling about that one.

 I LOVE my son intensely. I love his smile and quirky personality. I love his funny hair and his insatiable curiosity. I love his sleepy baby face after he wakes up from a nap and how much he loves to cuddle. I love being with him and being the one who has seen each milestone, the first step and all of that. I love being there to comfort him and hold him close when he is afraid or gets hurt.

But I HATE diapers and poop and endless piles of laundry. I hate the inconsolable crankiness and screech-owl imitations that my son is fond of. I hate that sometimes I feel like my brain is turning into mush and I can barely string a sentence together. I find that my vocabulary has dwindled and I feel like I have to remind people and myself  that I went to college and grad school and I know things OK! I hate that my patience feels so thin and limited at times. I hate feeling totally financially dependent on my husband...that one is recently the tough one for me. It is my ugly pride and not wanting to lean on him completely...dang women's lib!

The truth is that life is full of choices and sacrifices we must make.And not choosing is a choice within itself. We give up good things for better things. We let go of wants and needs in order to meet other needs and desires. We cannot have it all. Whoever told us we could was wrong, its NOT possible. Everyday that I question my choice to be home I also am reminded that I did not do it lightly. We thought and prayed about it. We reflected on our own childhoods and both of us had moms who stayed home, and we really believe it was to our benefit.

I remembered my childhood and the security and happiness of it. My mom was not perfect but she was a good and caring mother. Most of all she was there, all the time. She saw us, she played with us, she was there for the big and small moments of our lives. I never felt as if she was too busy or distracted to pay attention to our needs. She definitley was the "has eyes in the back of her head" mom. But that came from being present, from being with us all the time.

Still, being there, being home is hard. For the most part it isn't mentally stimulating or exciting. It is the nitty gritty. It is dirty and messy and energy absorbing. Being home is not glamorous, no one is offering promotions or bonuses or anything like that. I am not saying I sit around and stare at my child or play with him endlessly. The other night I read him a book because I remembered that I had not really stopped and read to him in weeks! But I try to be present and to listen and cheer him on and smile and laugh with him. I try to put myself and my attitude aside for his sake.

The pay off in the end is not really for me. The pay off is that my son knows he is loved, wanted, and cherished. I want him to be secure and strong in himself because he was loved and cared for from the very beginning. I want to set him up to face life in the best possible way, with confidence and a sense of well-being.

Good choices are often the hardest to make....(didn't my mom tell me that a million times growing up)! In fact it usually NEVER is easy. So this time in my life is hard, and I hate it sometimes but I see bright sides to it too. I am learning, I am growing, and I am being refined. These young years for my son of falling down,tears and cuddles, and laughter-I can't ever get those back. There will be a day when Ben doesn't fit in my lap anymore, when he doesn't need me in the same way. I will embarass him and he will not know how to relate to me. So right now, this is special, this is something to be cherished. Even if it is challenging and rough many days, I don't want to miss this. I don't want to miss him and who he is now and who he is becoming. I LOVE that, absolutely.

What Reading Tabloids Has Taught Me..

I know I haven't blogged in a week, don't worry I'm still here. I know you were all worried. I finally feel like I had some sleep after a week of craziness and Ben having some weird stomach thing that would NOT go away! For a week I felt like we had a newborn again and all day Mark and I walked around in a daze trying not to bump into walls or trip over shoes. Well I guess that describes me most mornings, but it usually wares off by the third cup of coffee.

Do any of these people look like
they should have a book deal?

So my big burning questions today is what is with all of these reality TV celebrities writing novels? Really? did ANY of them go to college or do anything interesting in life? and what in the world do they have to write about? and WHO are these people who are READING these books? I just saw that some silly girl from that Jersey Shore show is writing a novel...What? Is it about beer hats and DUI's? And this makes the NEWS? I need to stop watching GMA. Seriously. In my book the only thing worse than these folks publishing thier fiction is twenty or thirty something celebs who think their life is memoir worthy. I think publishers should have an age limit on memoirs: if you have not lived more than fifty years then you have nothing to say!

I hate how time is wasted on interviewing or headlining ridiculous people when there are those in the world actually contributing to society and helping others who should be spotlighted for their work and selflessness. But maybe that goes against the grain, being selfless and hard-working does not get you a book deal.Especially not in Hollywood. And if it does will most people read it? Fluff and fantasy are way more appealing than a something that challenges us to look at the way we live, to think about something outside of ourselves.

Confession: Often, When I am at the grocery store I look for the longest line so I can sneak a few unadulterated minutes to read tabloid magazines. I find myself lost in celebrity-land, imagining what it would be like to stroll around Santa Monica with my Starbucks and eons of shopping bags. Or hanging out on a Yacht in Saint Tropez on some fabulous last minute vacation. I look at their lives and like most regular Americans I get a little swept away and yes, jealous too.

But what am I jealous of exactly? Ok most of these celebs have lots of money...but at what price? There is always a price you pay for fame and fortune. Am I jealous that I am not followed around endlessly by cameras? That people no longer know how to say "no" to me? That in order to have a private life I have to be barricaded in my house with security cameras?

So after falling into tabloid la la land, I snap back to reality and look around me. Everyone is in fleeces and athletic sandals, shopping, planning for the next barbecue or family dinner, running errands, buying flowers, trying to stretch their last dollar. I have the freedom to be a nobody in the best way possible. Of course I am someone to my family and friends, but I am free to come and go and live without the whole world watching. I can be as uncool as I want and no one cares! I realize In how little I possess that I actually have SO much. And honestly we truly need so little to be happy and content in this life. I really really believe that. So I am ok with., no, totally at peace with my anonymous, uncomplicated, quiet, fleece wearing, Colorado life.

Cute Yoga Pants or Not....

Ben has been sick with some weird stomach bug so it was just Ben and I today. After laying around most of the morning I decided to take him on a walk, get some fresh air, hit up the library for some good reads. Well that was a loooong walk. My legs feel like jello now, but in a good way, if that is possible? It is a gorgeous day outside, bright and shiny and not too hot. Even though I feel exhausted I am glad we went.

Before we left I was buzzing with too much coffee and anxiety over finances and Ben's college prospects and whether we will EVER go on a vacation again...and so this walk was therapeutic in so many ways. You know how magazines, and books, and psychotherapists (like my husband) say that exercise is really important for reducing stress and anxiety? Well its TRUE! So, I knew that but the five minutes it takes to throw on my Aasics and get Ben in the stroller seem too long and too hard. I have so many excuses: My hair hasn't been washed in several days, my cuter and less tight Yoga pants are dirty, or I am in the middle of another Parenthood episode (good show by the way).

Today I was triumphant. I was able to bypass all my lame excuses and get out of the house! I went for that walk and my mind unwrapped itself a little bit and I was able to think more clearly. Ben napped and I drank in the fresh air and sunshine. I feel stronger, more positive and able to face the day. If you have an hour, thirty or even fifteen minutes get outside. Give your brain and body a much needed re-charge and refresher. So good hair or not, cute Yoga pants or ugly gym shorts, I promise you will feel like a million bucks or at least not so anxious.

Nap Time...Bane of My Existence

Nap time is one of the most amazing gifts when it happens. When it doesn't happen I feel like committing myself. Seriously. Any other mama's feel this way? Trying to get both boys down at the same time is a dream if it works, otherwise it is agonizing, hair-pulling madness!The crying and screaming, the going in and out of rooms, soothing, laying back down, digging under the crib for the pacifier, saying (OK sometimes shouting) "Nap-time Ben, Now!" Maybe the shouting makes it worse, but my patience has its limits. Today is one of those days where I get so frustrated I turn to ice cream in the freezer to numb me out (sometimes I sort of get why people want a drink before noon...but I promise I will stick with ice cream).I just want some comfort and something that is only for me even for the briefest moment.

I think the crying may have stopped, which means I have about an hour to breathe and put the kitchen back together. Or maybe just sit here and stare out the window and let my mind go blank for a bit? Or finish the book that I am savoring and rationing so I don't get through too fast. I had better stop writing and get busy unwinding before it all starts over and way too soon.

This Book Rocks

I am reading or should I say devouring The Help by Kathryn Stockett. Housework, bills, relationships, mothering...they can all take a backseat until I finish this book! This is a MUST read people, probably one of the best books I have read in a long time. I mean that. I am a bookworm and probably go through at least one book a week. Ask my husband, he is still in shock over my reading habits...he thinks I pulled one over on him and swears I didn't read this much when we were dating (of course not we were dating! I was distracted)! My reading habit is a little intense I know, and will probably interfere with how many children we plan on having. What can I do....I just can't survive without a good book! So this is my little blog rant for the day, I would write more but I have to get back to my book....

Crested Butte

We just returned from an incredible weekend with friends in Crested Butte. We went for long walks, visited local coffee shops, hiked, played in the park with kids, drank wine, cooked dinner and even saw a strange but entertaining, mother-earthish, town tradition bonfire. The bonfire was a fun bonus and Ben thought it was hilarious and cheered and clapped and then promptly fell asleep as soon as we sat him down in his stroller.

What happens when you think 3AM is party time

It is so good to get away for a few days and to find a new a different pace. Having no agenda, just going with whatever we fee like. Coffee at 6:30 AM? Hellooo yes! Coffee at 10AM? Of course! Coffee at 3:00? Great! Wine at 4:00? Even better! Now if Ben would have decided to sleep this weekend instead of crying and thinking play time starts at 3am it would have been perfect. But he is only one year old I can't get too mad and hold it against him. Now, If he pulls this at ten there might be words and screaming, but for now we will just let it go. 

The Wills and the Wells

I loved seeing the raw natural beauty of this place. It was such a gift and reminded me of how vast and varied this world is. To be surrounded by magnificent peaks and the clearest blue sky everywhere you looked was so moving and breathtaking. The Aspen trees were numerous there and all had changed color and were shimmering and golden. Thank you God for creating Aspen trees! I love them! And thank you Wills family for a great weekend and sharing a place you love with us. We feel very blessed.

Time....

This is a good day. I am saying this because it is ordinary but in a really good way. The past few weeks have been packed with meetings, family visits, friends, and parties all of which were enjoyable and exciting! However I realize how addicted I am to plans and events and basically any event I can pencil into my calendar. I look at those things I have written down and I feel important in a "Hey I have plans, I'm a big deal, I DO stuff" kind of way. I mean who wants to admit that most days we wake up to the same daily grind of work or chores or parenting? I want my life to be interesting and exciting and-shall I say it-BUSY!!! I know I have written about busyness before but I need to talk about it a little more. Busyness, I am realizing, robs me of time to able to find joy and peace in small things. I don't have time to stop and smell the proverbial roses, or even look at them and they are in my backyard even! In our culture today we look at having time as something to fill up and use. Hello...could this be part of our consumer hungry life-style? Yikes! We talk about recycling, being environmentally friendly, saving the earth....but how often do we stop to enjoy this earth we live in?

So today I thought about washing endless piles of laundry and watching shows on Hulu, but the day was beautiful and calling out to me. I loaded up the boys in the cumbersome double stroller and went for a walk. Wow, gorgeous morning, amazing, a gift! The air was cool and crisp and I could see the leaves are starting to change color. Later we came home refreshed and energized (well the boys were more falling apart because they needed naps but I was feeling great).Yet, I was no longer in that place of anxiety over what to "do" today or what I needed to get "done." Instead I felt as if I had a choice in how I would spend this day, I was reminded that I can't ever get it back.

  I took time today to bake for MOPS instead of buying something pre-made. I listened to an incredible Podcast featuring Chuck Colson discussing politics and faith and how they do and do not relate to each other. I stopped to read from my Bible and pray think about life and what matters most. I was reminded that God cares how we live and act and respond to others. I don't always get this rare gift of time to sit and listen or read and ponder things. This time I had today was a gift....one I often bypass with plans and busy-making.

It is so so so hard to stop sometimes. To say for an hour I am forgetting chores or that phone call I need to make or whatever...and I am going to stop and sit and breathe. I am going to think about something meaningful and challenging. I am going to read a chapter or listen to a song that moves me. These are the things that feed our souls and grow our hearts. We need time so that our hearts and minds can be filled up and renewed so that we are able to give to the many needs and demands in our lives.

Wow. My cinnamon coffee cake is burning...looks like time is up for now...but I look forward to finding it again tomorrow, even for five minutes. I'll take what I can get!

Goodbye Twenties...You've been pretty cool..

Tomorrow I hit the big 3.0. as in I turn 30! I am not having a big over the top bash nor will I be sobbing into my pillow (I hope), but I am looking forward to coffee with friends and dinner with my husband and maybe a little reflecting too. I remember, distinctly, turning 20. I could NOT wait to leave my teen years behind! My roommate and a few other friends kidnapped me, blindfolded me and took me to Grand Rapids for the night. I remember it being fun in a where the HECK are we going kind of way. Nowadays if say Mark were to "kidnap" me I am hoping to end up in Cabo or something.

 There were so many things I hoped for in my twenties, it was as if life was about to begin. Being 18 and 19 still felt too close to high school, and for the record I was NOT a big fan of high school. I ate lunch in the library and actually liked having homework. Is that weird?

 If I can reflect a little on the past ten years it makes me see that the twenties are so full of change and new experiences. Sometimes as I sit in my family room folding laundry or making grocery lists I forget that my life has been so incredibly interesting and full. I have this wealth of life to draw from. Things that remind me of who I am and where I am going. In ten years I have finished college, lived in a foreign country, moved to Colorado met and married my husband, finished grad school, moved to a different state and then moved back to Colorado, had a baby, bought a house, and SOME of my sanity is still in tact! Whoa...really?

OK 30 that is a tough act to follow. Most of those things (except for having more kiddos) I don't plan on repeating so we need to come up with some new dreams and aspirations here. Honestly though, I look at it as building a foundation, something to keep building upon. I believe that the past ten years have all worked to make me a more open and honest person. I am more open to God and his will and movement in my life. I believe that I am more honest with myself and with people. Maybe I am living more honestly in that I am aware that I am limited in what I can give or do, but God is able to do new and incredible things through me.

There was a time when I really believed I was indispensable and could do anything and everything. But you know, its not true. I can do some things pretty well, and a lot of things I fail at doing well or at all. And that is OK with me. My hope for the next ten years is that I can continue to learn and grow as a person. I want to love more and love better. I want to continue to have passions and dreams and desires. I want to know God in a deeper more life-altering way. I want to enjoy and cherish my family. I hope for all these things. If God has allowed so many amazing, painful, challenging, awe-inspiring, life-changing, and beautiful things to happen in my twenties why not so much more in my thirties? A girl can dream right? And from where I am standing hopes and dreams are what make life worth living.

This sad little face happens at least five to ten times a day.

Its true, this is the face he gives me after I tell him "No!" "Don't touch" "Let go!" "Stop that!" And then I go on and break his little one year old heart. All he wanted was to unplug the computer, play with my phone, or take the wipes out of the box one.by.one.

It is a funny thing though how one minute he is sobbing like a teenage girl and the next he is happily jabbering pushing his little baby walker around. I do love my little boy and today he sat in my lap for ten whole minutes and we snuggled. I would put up with an entire day of tears for just ten minutes of smelling his sweet baby skin and hearing his slow even breath. These young years fly I am told, and I believe it. So in the midst of sad faces and tears and unfortunate tantrums I savor the moments where he is just content and happy in my arms.

Still sick...and kind of liking it

Ahhhh...the end of a 3 day weekend. I wish all weekends could be this long, it feels just right. Some weekends we are so busy and crazy with life that I am completely wiped out on Mondays. Not this time. I wrote in my last post that I was sick and I mentioned that there are a few perks (in my deranged mind) that come with being sick. Disclaimer: I am not one of those people who look at being sick like some sort of personal challenge, I don't "suffer" through it and keep on keeping on. When I am sick, I give in, I bask in it, I lay around and ask people to bring me chicken broth and ginger-ale.

That said, I am thankful for sickness. Honestly. It is one of those things that makes me stop moving for once. No planning, plotting, organizing, cleaning (definitely no cleaning) showing up, nothing. In this country we are addicted to busyness. We don't like to say no to things good or bad, or miss any experience offered to us. Somewhere, somehow we have associated busyness with quality of life. We have CONFUSED it I should say. I am just as guilty as anyone, so this is why I welcome the occasional cold or flu (but NOT the stomach flu...I would rather be hit by a bus) because it makes me stop. Just STOP. And it is such a good thing to do, to just turn off life for a bit and make myself rest and think and reflect on life. Tonight, finishing out this long weekend I feel full and peaceful and like a sweet unlooked for gift was given to me. Its true it also came with a box of Kleenex and NyQuil, but I am glad for it all the same.

Being Sick Doesn't Mean No Shopping!

This being a three day weekend, Ben decided to share his lovely cold with me. Children can be so giving and generous at times. For the most part, I really hate being sick. But there are a few perks, those being 1) letting my house be wreck 2) if Ben is sick too he snuggles and I LOVE that 3) Mark waits on me hand and foot 4) I feel like I can complain without reservation 5) I can say "no" to things without thinking twice about whether someone will be offended or not...I'm SICK OK!

The funny thing is I laid in bed most of the morning and afternoon yesterday feeling miserable but somehow found the energy and fortitude to go shopping with my mom and Grandma for my birthday present. Its shopping people, SHOPPING, even the black plague would not have kept me from this once in a lifetime experience. The best part is I got to pick out something I wanted no matter the price AND Ben stayed at home with Mark. Shopping kid-free is not to be underestimated, ever. So I had a great time all the while sneezing into the crook of my arm and saying "oh, I'm fine, its nothing!"  After shopping I went right back to being sick and sorry for myself. Not one of my proudest moments in life, but hey I got some really cute stuff!

Why I am thankful for Bears

There are Bears in the neighbors tree today. BEARS as in more than one! I feel like a bonafide Coloradoan today folks. I was trying to get some good shots but I don't have any photography skills and my camera is one of those point and shoot ones so the bears look like black smudges in the trees. But I promise there are bears next door, happily napping about 30 feet off the ground. You will just have to take my word for it okay?

Our new neighbor (there are
2 more not pictured)

I know this may sound strange but I was happy to hear about the bears this morning. Yesterday was not of the best days of my and Mark's life together. We were talking about money and budgets and all those things that make me want to pull out tufts of hair and run around screaming. We have a hard time seeing eye-to-eye on money and budgeting and of course we both have our own baggage we insist on dragging into every conversation. Let's make one thing clear: I LOVE my husband. We are committed to each other and to our family and future together. Like most couples we argue about dumb things like taking out the trash or the "correct way" (totally Mark's thing) to load the dish-washer. I don't know what other couple's trigger points are, but ours are usually in the finance department. I hate, hate, hate having an issue where I can't see Mark, I mean really see him, his heart and soul in the midst of things. It is as if we keep looking past each other instead of at each other. Each of us have some sort of hill we would like to die on thank you very much and we don't want to budge. I get bent out of shape afraid that life will always be hard and money will always be the obstacle to keep it from getting easier. And maybe that is true. I think it is true for most people rich or poor. But I don't want to get into that discussion right now.

  Last night after the fight we went to bed really tired and argued-out. We were both feeling a little disconnected from each other, kind of sad and exhausted. It took me awhile to fall asleep, I kept hoping and praying that nothing had changed and that our love was still in tact. This morning Mark woke up for his early Friday morning breakfast with a friend, and he did something that reminded me of who he is. He got Ben up, gave him a bottle, made coffee, and took Ben to breakfast so I could sleep in and have my coffee when I was ready. He did all of that, the same as he always would fight or no fight, for me, because he loves me and is always thinking of my needs. He came home later and took me outside to see the bears in the trees and we both laughed and smiled together, and somehow our hearts felt lighter again.
What I am trying to say is that those moments in the midst of a dark and frustrating argument where you both feel a little lost, are not the truth, the center of your relationship. I really believe it is what happens later, afterwards that matters. It does not mean all our fears and anxieties about money or whatever problem are resolved. They definitely are still there.We are a work in progress, there is much for us learn and re-visit about this issue. But I think that you can come out the other side of something hard and still remember why you love and cherish that person. I want to be more like Mark, he reminds me each day that his love for me is not based upon whether I always fight fair or if we have a bad day, or if I am overly emotional etc. He loves me because he has chosen me and believes in the vows we made to each other on our wedding day. Mark makes me think about God and how He takes on all of our anger and fear. He absorbs all the blows and punches we throw his way, and he still loves us. He is still true and real and unchanging toward us.

I think those bears are still up in the tree ( I hope that they stay there and don't come charging toward my house) and I am going to take them as a sign that there is always something new each day, something beautiful and awe-inspiring to discover. I am thankful that this morning Mark and I could have that sort of moment together.

Jeggings...are you KIDDING me??

Are the 80's back? Here I am watching one of those TV talent shows and one of the acts is in a fitted leather jacket tight black jeans and BIG WHITE  high top tennis shoes with the laces hanging out. WOW. I mean what is happening? Not the era I thought anyone would want to re-live but what do I know right?

We miss this? Really?

This is me
 if you were wondering..

The other day Mark and I were out for a walk and I saw this teenage girl in stone washed jeans and a hot pink t-shirt that looks like she took a weed whacker to it.  She was popping her gum too and was walking down the street with her i-pod in this "I am cool and you are a nerdy mom" kind of way. I am not making any apologies for my fashion sense. I still like boot-cut jeans and flip-flops, that is high-fashion in my book. Sometimes I go for clogs...but those are more my winter shoes. These days I can't even go to the Gap without them trying to tell me that skinny jeans and (aggghhh!) jeggings are what I need! Nope. Definitely not what these hips need...maybe spanx but NOT skinny jeans. I am venting, and feeling kind of old. I am also realizing that I am two weeks away form my 30th birthday and that feels impossible to me, I think I was 20 like two minutes ago?  I even remember what I wore on my 20th birthday and it was cute too...boot cut jeans and flip flops maybe a red sweatshirt too...like I said high fashion! So the 80's are back and I am stuck somewhere in the year 2000 as far as fashion goes. As long as I don't descend to the low low depths of jean jumpers and mom-jeans I think I will be ok.