The Days are Long but the Years are Short...and I Need a Break!

So I caved and turned on some Christmas music. I think all this pre-mature Christmas marketing on TV is getting the better of me. Mark built a roaring fire too which made me think of the holidays. Here we are a week out from our trip to OKC for Thanksgiving and I am wondering where the year went? It feels like yesterday that I brought home my pink screaming baby and now he is a very mobile tantrum throwing toddler!

The older I get the faster life seems to move. It is funny though, how long some days can be. I think this last Thursday seemed like five days crammed into one and not because I was being remotely productive (maybe that was my problem). For all of my wanting to make the most of this life and learning to be grateful for the small things, I still spend a lot of times wishing for things I do not have, longing for time to pass so I can be somewhere else. I know this is the plight of many mothers with small children. It is hard to be completely engaged, because let's face it, a lot of what we do is tedious and repetitive. My sister brilliantly put on her Facebook info page that she basically relives the same day every day, diapers, meals, naps, errands, rinse and repeat.
I am not trying to diminish the task of motherhood. It is a noble and crucial task. Staying home with our children is hard and I believe all good and worthwhile things come with a price. I want to get better at seeing the goal and having the perspective that these young years will pass all too quickly. So while it may seem that each day blends into the next, and some feel long and insignificant, its not true. Each day with Benjamin is a gift. I have the joy of being there, of witnessing his life and transformation from baby to child and someday adult. I have this challenge, this quest to nurture and pour into my family all of the love, grace, and patience that God gives me. I am not saying that motherhood is this altruistic thing for me. it is definitely not. I grow empty, I get tired, and I need to be filled up and recharged on a daily basis.

One night last week I was wiped out, I handed Ben to Mark and ran off to the bookstore for hot chocolate and a stack of books to look through. I felt revived by that short hour I spent thinking about other things, restoring my mind, thinking about more than what goes on within the four walls of my house. Other days its a walk alone with my dog, or coffee with a friend. I need those times where I can focus on my inner-life, a world I cultivated and still try to maintain outside of my son.
So maybe this post is a reminder to take care of ourselves so that we can be the best at what we do, so that we can survive those long days. I for one can make it through if I know there will be a moment that is all mine somewhere on the horizon.

So tonight, after Ben is in bed, I plan on sitting by the fire with my guitar and singing through my favorite Christmas songs. I know it sounds corny, but it makes me feel alive and peaceful. My hope is that those feelings trickle over into Monday morning...alongside my enormous pot of coffee.

Madness, Reality Check, Moving On...

So, after a month of sheer madness, no dice. Aunt Flo showed, and I have to say I was sad, but also relieved a little. When we decided to try for baby number two I was sure and honestly, a little freaked out that it would happen right away like it did with Ben. I realize now that I need time to sit with this decision and let my body chill out for a bit. I am charting now (using the Taking Charge of Your Fertility book) and doing the whole morning temp thing, so we will see if I can stay on track that way. If I can get this charting down maybe I won't freak out and buy tons of pregnancy tests, consequently spending all of our grocery money for two weeks. Yeah, Mark was not too happy about that. So this month I am making a commitment to taking each day in stride, breathing deep ( I forget to do that A LOT) and enjoying the approach of the holidays. And not buying anymore tests until I am SURE it is necessary!

I will say one of the benefits of charting is that it gives you a feeling of control, something pro-active to do every day, getting familiar with your body and cycles. Ask me in a month how consistent I have been, but I really get why women do this. It makes sense, it eases some stress, it helps us to know what to expect.

With all the mania, I have let my house go to the dogs (truly, Joe's hair is everywhere) so my plan today is to try out my spiffy new mop, fold some laundry, finally clean my grubby bathroom and get out for a walk on this last nice warm day for awhile. Is Starbucks in my future...it is a definite possibility. Oh and I have keep two kiddos happy and fed too....sometimes the hardest part of the day!

Good Saturday...

I love a Saturday day and night in. I took two naps and only made it out for coffee and some groceries. It has been awhile since our last plans-free weekend, and we need more of them! Ben played outside and watched his dad rake up all the fall leaves. I love having time to see him discover new things and find wonder in simple pleasures like green grass and sunshine.

We took a nice walk through our funky neighborhood and commented on all the houses that looked normal as in not ones that look condemned or like they have meth labs inside or houses with 5 or 6 old cars parked on the lawn. This neighborhood can be iffy but its mostly full of blue collar hard-working people. I think I saw one house with a BMW parked in front, but it must have been someone visiting or someones fancy lawyer. Toyota is fancy here, maybe even Ford if its a model made after 1999. The one thing I love about this neighborhood is all of the mature trees. I can handle things being a little droopy if there are nice trees, the kind whose branches bow and sway in the wind with the sun shining through. Let me just say it was a gorgeous evening, one for the books.

This was a good day for processing through all my earlier madness. Mark told me I needed to cool it and stop obsessing and its true. We have a wonderful life, its full and blessed. For me to choose to live in constant anxiety over something I cannot control is like a slap in the face to God. I am telling him that all I have is not enough, or is not good enough for me. So I am taking my fictional "chill pill" ( I took the real kind after having Ben and it wasn't pretty), warm baths and good books always help. Nights in by the fireplace with my husband, smiles and giggles from my son. Long walks in the early evenings and dinner with good friends. I hope someday I will have another child to share this blessed life with, but that is up to God and his perfect timing. I can rest in that.

Waiting on two pink lines...and yes I know there needs to be two!

So we are trying to get pregnant again. There you go. It is out there, in the open and I am not apologizing or taking it back. I have never been a "hush" "hush" kind of person about my life or anything happening in it. I truly believe that pregnancy and birth or the loss of a pregnancy are a part of this big messy life we live. Not that I want to be brash or rude about losing a baby. I definitely don't. It is a hard and tremendously difficult thing to face and go through. I don't want that to happen and I know I would be heart-broken if it did. But, I also know that death and loss are a part of life, a part of the reality we live in. I believe that God intended us for whole-ness, and completion, and perfection but we do not live in that world now. Someday, but not now. So things happen that should not happen. We face losses and disappointments because we want our lives to be whole, we long for something more.

With all the ups and downs and craziness of motherhood I want the joy of having and knowing another child.
When I had Benjamin I was totally freaked out by it. I remember thinking, "This is nuts, I changed my mind, can he go back in for a little longer, at least until I get a nap?" But then after some time and a little more sleep I started to fall in love. And this love was so different, and so big and monumental. I thought I knew about love and what it means to give yourself to someone completely, but I was wrong. After having Ben I felt my heart grow bigger than I have ever known. This capacity to love my child so much literally took me by surprise. Today I see that the more we give love to another person (not asking for it in return) the more room we create to love better and more fully. I believe that God is using this experience of being a mother to challenge me, to grow me up, to show me how much I complain about everything! Ben may make my eyes cross out of frustration at times but I love him so so much. I am incredibly grateful for his life. It is easier to let go of things and keep going when I focus on that.

So we are in this crazy-making time of waiting to see if there is a baby or not. My eyes are about to fall out from reading fertility books and articles and then googling every strange feeling a sensation that I have. I have probably blown through about ten pregnancy tests, knowing all the while its too early to know. I'm compulsive about this OK ( I know some of you know what I mean)! If only I had this much determination about exercise or school..hmmm. 

I have another week or so and then we will see. I will want to announce something right away knowing how, yes, compulsive I am and  that I am a horrible HORRIBLE secret keeper, just FYI. But I promised Mark we would reign it in for a bit, and try to not tell people before we see a doc (BTW I LOVE my OB and sometimes want to get pregnant just so I can see her again..nutty I know).

If you see me around you can ask me about the process, just know I might have to lie to you...at least for a little while. :)

On Lost Remote Controls and Perspective..

Monday again. Hmmm. I am hoping for a good week, I am committing to breathing deep and letting go of stressful and unnecessary problems. I am going to enjoy the cooler weather and be thankful, thankful, thankful for my life and all the blessings big and small that I experience on a daily basis.

I am going to get over the fact that Ben hid the remote control again and be thankful for things like hulu and  free DVDs from the library. I was super annoyed this morning that I could not watch GMA this morning with my morning coffee. The channel is stuck on CBS, so Early Show it is! I realize that all these shows are pretty much the same. News, scandal, another boring cooking segment, buy this stupid gadget, and guilt-inducing parenting advice. Anyway, I am so over it, the lost remote and all. I will probably find it somewhere weird in about two months when I decide to reorganize the linen closet.

I realize how quickly I can let little annoyances set the tone for my day. I get angry that something out of my hands and control has happened, something I can't always fix easily. I focus on the frustrating minutiae of my day, things that don't really NEED to matter that much (i.e lost remote, spoiled milk, groceries I forgot to buy, overflowing laundry pile, Ben sticking his little hands in everything). Life is full of daily trials big and small, and often in the grand scheme of things the big ones are not really that important.

So what is important, I mean clearing all that other stuff away, and seeing what REALLY matters. Those things are actually pretty simple. Good health for my family, food, a warm house, joy and happiness, faith. So the house can be a wreck and I can be in m PJ's at 3PM and look at my son smile or watch the clouds in the sky and be glad, just be glad that God has given me another day to love and be loved, to give and be given to.

So its Monday and sometimes it feels like a slow slow ride until Friday. But I want this week to be different. I want to see each day as a gift, as a day for surprise and possibility, a chance to learn something and see where and how God is moving. I guess that is my prayer of sorts for today and for my life too. Okay Breathe.

Good Times

Here are a few of my favorites from the past week. Ben and Joe our dog are bonding these days, well sort of. Joe is tolerating being used as a human bean bag and having his ears and tail pulled on a regular basis. Poor dog. But hey his life is pretty good as far as dog-life goes. He gets to sleep in any corner of the house he wants and sometimes on the couch when he thinks no one is looking, and usually I remember to feed him too. And on rare occasions we go for a walk, but that is usually after he starts chasing his own tale out of boredom. Back in the days before Ben, he was our number one. Now, I have no idea what his position is, but he has definitely been demoted. But as I said before, his life isn't that bad, it could be worse. I think he likes having Ben around anyway, it keeps us distracted and off his case. And we love him, he's our stinky old dog. Part of the family for sure.

Ben's cousin Scarlett was over for a bit today and they had a blast! The funniest thing (besides the Lady GaGa dance party we had) was that they both wanted to play in Ben's crib. After I put them in there Scarlett waved at me and said "Ok, night. night. Bye!" As in"Get the heck outta here already!" too.stinkin'.cute. So I went to grab my camera (of course) and then spied on them a little. They were screaming and laughing and basically going nuts in the way only two toddlers can. Hilarious. So here are a few pictures, enjoy!

SAHM....its a tough job and well I signed up

Its been a couple weeks since my last post. The past few weeks have been rough and frustrating. I've been so tired and then busy on top of it all. I HATE  and LOVE being busy. I have a big mouth and say "yes" way too much. I love people and events and fun plans and in the moment I get carried away and everything sounds like a great idea. If I could, in those moments, glimpse the future, I would see myself exhausted and drooling into my pillow at night or waking up and crying into my morning coffee. That was a little bit dramatic, but you get the point right?

Anyway, the past few weeks have been dark and unfriendly, and yes, ROUGH. I have been all edgy and emotional (no NOT pregnant) and Mark has tried to be cheery and motivating which just made me more mad and annoyed. He is so nice to me, its just his way who he is. I cry and yell and he soothes and tells a joke.

NEWSFLASH: I truly struggle with being a stay at home mom. It is hard, probably the hardest daily choice I have had to make. I know there are some moms out there who love every diaper changing minute (but I think they must be a little nutty...maybe) but for me it can be a daily battle. Love and Hate. Those two seem like opposites but in my experience they are kind of similar. Years ago when I was in college and had philosophical thoughts I read in a book somewhere that Love and Hate run in the same vein. I think I must have spent two months pondering and journaling about that one.

 I LOVE my son intensely. I love his smile and quirky personality. I love his funny hair and his insatiable curiosity. I love his sleepy baby face after he wakes up from a nap and how much he loves to cuddle. I love being with him and being the one who has seen each milestone, the first step and all of that. I love being there to comfort him and hold him close when he is afraid or gets hurt.

But I HATE diapers and poop and endless piles of laundry. I hate the inconsolable crankiness and screech-owl imitations that my son is fond of. I hate that sometimes I feel like my brain is turning into mush and I can barely string a sentence together. I find that my vocabulary has dwindled and I feel like I have to remind people and myself  that I went to college and grad school and I know things OK! I hate that my patience feels so thin and limited at times. I hate feeling totally financially dependent on my husband...that one is recently the tough one for me. It is my ugly pride and not wanting to lean on him completely...dang women's lib!

The truth is that life is full of choices and sacrifices we must make.And not choosing is a choice within itself. We give up good things for better things. We let go of wants and needs in order to meet other needs and desires. We cannot have it all. Whoever told us we could was wrong, its NOT possible. Everyday that I question my choice to be home I also am reminded that I did not do it lightly. We thought and prayed about it. We reflected on our own childhoods and both of us had moms who stayed home, and we really believe it was to our benefit.

I remembered my childhood and the security and happiness of it. My mom was not perfect but she was a good and caring mother. Most of all she was there, all the time. She saw us, she played with us, she was there for the big and small moments of our lives. I never felt as if she was too busy or distracted to pay attention to our needs. She definitley was the "has eyes in the back of her head" mom. But that came from being present, from being with us all the time.

Still, being there, being home is hard. For the most part it isn't mentally stimulating or exciting. It is the nitty gritty. It is dirty and messy and energy absorbing. Being home is not glamorous, no one is offering promotions or bonuses or anything like that. I am not saying I sit around and stare at my child or play with him endlessly. The other night I read him a book because I remembered that I had not really stopped and read to him in weeks! But I try to be present and to listen and cheer him on and smile and laugh with him. I try to put myself and my attitude aside for his sake.

The pay off in the end is not really for me. The pay off is that my son knows he is loved, wanted, and cherished. I want him to be secure and strong in himself because he was loved and cared for from the very beginning. I want to set him up to face life in the best possible way, with confidence and a sense of well-being.

Good choices are often the hardest to make....(didn't my mom tell me that a million times growing up)! In fact it usually NEVER is easy. So this time in my life is hard, and I hate it sometimes but I see bright sides to it too. I am learning, I am growing, and I am being refined. These young years for my son of falling down,tears and cuddles, and laughter-I can't ever get those back. There will be a day when Ben doesn't fit in my lap anymore, when he doesn't need me in the same way. I will embarass him and he will not know how to relate to me. So right now, this is special, this is something to be cherished. Even if it is challenging and rough many days, I don't want to miss this. I don't want to miss him and who he is now and who he is becoming. I LOVE that, absolutely.

What Reading Tabloids Has Taught Me..

I know I haven't blogged in a week, don't worry I'm still here. I know you were all worried. I finally feel like I had some sleep after a week of craziness and Ben having some weird stomach thing that would NOT go away! For a week I felt like we had a newborn again and all day Mark and I walked around in a daze trying not to bump into walls or trip over shoes. Well I guess that describes me most mornings, but it usually wares off by the third cup of coffee.

Do any of these people look like
they should have a book deal?

So my big burning questions today is what is with all of these reality TV celebrities writing novels? Really? did ANY of them go to college or do anything interesting in life? and what in the world do they have to write about? and WHO are these people who are READING these books? I just saw that some silly girl from that Jersey Shore show is writing a novel...What? Is it about beer hats and DUI's? And this makes the NEWS? I need to stop watching GMA. Seriously. In my book the only thing worse than these folks publishing thier fiction is twenty or thirty something celebs who think their life is memoir worthy. I think publishers should have an age limit on memoirs: if you have not lived more than fifty years then you have nothing to say!

I hate how time is wasted on interviewing or headlining ridiculous people when there are those in the world actually contributing to society and helping others who should be spotlighted for their work and selflessness. But maybe that goes against the grain, being selfless and hard-working does not get you a book deal.Especially not in Hollywood. And if it does will most people read it? Fluff and fantasy are way more appealing than a something that challenges us to look at the way we live, to think about something outside of ourselves.

Confession: Often, When I am at the grocery store I look for the longest line so I can sneak a few unadulterated minutes to read tabloid magazines. I find myself lost in celebrity-land, imagining what it would be like to stroll around Santa Monica with my Starbucks and eons of shopping bags. Or hanging out on a Yacht in Saint Tropez on some fabulous last minute vacation. I look at their lives and like most regular Americans I get a little swept away and yes, jealous too.

But what am I jealous of exactly? Ok most of these celebs have lots of money...but at what price? There is always a price you pay for fame and fortune. Am I jealous that I am not followed around endlessly by cameras? That people no longer know how to say "no" to me? That in order to have a private life I have to be barricaded in my house with security cameras?

So after falling into tabloid la la land, I snap back to reality and look around me. Everyone is in fleeces and athletic sandals, shopping, planning for the next barbecue or family dinner, running errands, buying flowers, trying to stretch their last dollar. I have the freedom to be a nobody in the best way possible. Of course I am someone to my family and friends, but I am free to come and go and live without the whole world watching. I can be as uncool as I want and no one cares! I realize In how little I possess that I actually have SO much. And honestly we truly need so little to be happy and content in this life. I really really believe that. So I am ok with., no, totally at peace with my anonymous, uncomplicated, quiet, fleece wearing, Colorado life.

Cute Yoga Pants or Not....

Ben has been sick with some weird stomach bug so it was just Ben and I today. After laying around most of the morning I decided to take him on a walk, get some fresh air, hit up the library for some good reads. Well that was a loooong walk. My legs feel like jello now, but in a good way, if that is possible? It is a gorgeous day outside, bright and shiny and not too hot. Even though I feel exhausted I am glad we went.

Before we left I was buzzing with too much coffee and anxiety over finances and Ben's college prospects and whether we will EVER go on a vacation again...and so this walk was therapeutic in so many ways. You know how magazines, and books, and psychotherapists (like my husband) say that exercise is really important for reducing stress and anxiety? Well its TRUE! So, I knew that but the five minutes it takes to throw on my Aasics and get Ben in the stroller seem too long and too hard. I have so many excuses: My hair hasn't been washed in several days, my cuter and less tight Yoga pants are dirty, or I am in the middle of another Parenthood episode (good show by the way).

Today I was triumphant. I was able to bypass all my lame excuses and get out of the house! I went for that walk and my mind unwrapped itself a little bit and I was able to think more clearly. Ben napped and I drank in the fresh air and sunshine. I feel stronger, more positive and able to face the day. If you have an hour, thirty or even fifteen minutes get outside. Give your brain and body a much needed re-charge and refresher. So good hair or not, cute Yoga pants or ugly gym shorts, I promise you will feel like a million bucks or at least not so anxious.

Nap Time...Bane of My Existence

Nap time is one of the most amazing gifts when it happens. When it doesn't happen I feel like committing myself. Seriously. Any other mama's feel this way? Trying to get both boys down at the same time is a dream if it works, otherwise it is agonizing, hair-pulling madness!The crying and screaming, the going in and out of rooms, soothing, laying back down, digging under the crib for the pacifier, saying (OK sometimes shouting) "Nap-time Ben, Now!" Maybe the shouting makes it worse, but my patience has its limits. Today is one of those days where I get so frustrated I turn to ice cream in the freezer to numb me out (sometimes I sort of get why people want a drink before noon...but I promise I will stick with ice cream).I just want some comfort and something that is only for me even for the briefest moment.

I think the crying may have stopped, which means I have about an hour to breathe and put the kitchen back together. Or maybe just sit here and stare out the window and let my mind go blank for a bit? Or finish the book that I am savoring and rationing so I don't get through too fast. I had better stop writing and get busy unwinding before it all starts over and way too soon.

This Book Rocks

I am reading or should I say devouring The Help by Kathryn Stockett. Housework, bills, relationships, mothering...they can all take a backseat until I finish this book! This is a MUST read people, probably one of the best books I have read in a long time. I mean that. I am a bookworm and probably go through at least one book a week. Ask my husband, he is still in shock over my reading habits...he thinks I pulled one over on him and swears I didn't read this much when we were dating (of course not we were dating! I was distracted)! My reading habit is a little intense I know, and will probably interfere with how many children we plan on having. What can I do....I just can't survive without a good book! So this is my little blog rant for the day, I would write more but I have to get back to my book....

Crested Butte

We just returned from an incredible weekend with friends in Crested Butte. We went for long walks, visited local coffee shops, hiked, played in the park with kids, drank wine, cooked dinner and even saw a strange but entertaining, mother-earthish, town tradition bonfire. The bonfire was a fun bonus and Ben thought it was hilarious and cheered and clapped and then promptly fell asleep as soon as we sat him down in his stroller.

What happens when you think 3AM is party time

It is so good to get away for a few days and to find a new a different pace. Having no agenda, just going with whatever we fee like. Coffee at 6:30 AM? Hellooo yes! Coffee at 10AM? Of course! Coffee at 3:00? Great! Wine at 4:00? Even better! Now if Ben would have decided to sleep this weekend instead of crying and thinking play time starts at 3am it would have been perfect. But he is only one year old I can't get too mad and hold it against him. Now, If he pulls this at ten there might be words and screaming, but for now we will just let it go. 

The Wills and the Wells

I loved seeing the raw natural beauty of this place. It was such a gift and reminded me of how vast and varied this world is. To be surrounded by magnificent peaks and the clearest blue sky everywhere you looked was so moving and breathtaking. The Aspen trees were numerous there and all had changed color and were shimmering and golden. Thank you God for creating Aspen trees! I love them! And thank you Wills family for a great weekend and sharing a place you love with us. We feel very blessed.

Time....

This is a good day. I am saying this because it is ordinary but in a really good way. The past few weeks have been packed with meetings, family visits, friends, and parties all of which were enjoyable and exciting! However I realize how addicted I am to plans and events and basically any event I can pencil into my calendar. I look at those things I have written down and I feel important in a "Hey I have plans, I'm a big deal, I DO stuff" kind of way. I mean who wants to admit that most days we wake up to the same daily grind of work or chores or parenting? I want my life to be interesting and exciting and-shall I say it-BUSY!!! I know I have written about busyness before but I need to talk about it a little more. Busyness, I am realizing, robs me of time to able to find joy and peace in small things. I don't have time to stop and smell the proverbial roses, or even look at them and they are in my backyard even! In our culture today we look at having time as something to fill up and use. Hello...could this be part of our consumer hungry life-style? Yikes! We talk about recycling, being environmentally friendly, saving the earth....but how often do we stop to enjoy this earth we live in?

So today I thought about washing endless piles of laundry and watching shows on Hulu, but the day was beautiful and calling out to me. I loaded up the boys in the cumbersome double stroller and went for a walk. Wow, gorgeous morning, amazing, a gift! The air was cool and crisp and I could see the leaves are starting to change color. Later we came home refreshed and energized (well the boys were more falling apart because they needed naps but I was feeling great).Yet, I was no longer in that place of anxiety over what to "do" today or what I needed to get "done." Instead I felt as if I had a choice in how I would spend this day, I was reminded that I can't ever get it back.

  I took time today to bake for MOPS instead of buying something pre-made. I listened to an incredible Podcast featuring Chuck Colson discussing politics and faith and how they do and do not relate to each other. I stopped to read from my Bible and pray think about life and what matters most. I was reminded that God cares how we live and act and respond to others. I don't always get this rare gift of time to sit and listen or read and ponder things. This time I had today was a gift....one I often bypass with plans and busy-making.

It is so so so hard to stop sometimes. To say for an hour I am forgetting chores or that phone call I need to make or whatever...and I am going to stop and sit and breathe. I am going to think about something meaningful and challenging. I am going to read a chapter or listen to a song that moves me. These are the things that feed our souls and grow our hearts. We need time so that our hearts and minds can be filled up and renewed so that we are able to give to the many needs and demands in our lives.

Wow. My cinnamon coffee cake is burning...looks like time is up for now...but I look forward to finding it again tomorrow, even for five minutes. I'll take what I can get!

Goodbye Twenties...You've been pretty cool..

Tomorrow I hit the big 3.0. as in I turn 30! I am not having a big over the top bash nor will I be sobbing into my pillow (I hope), but I am looking forward to coffee with friends and dinner with my husband and maybe a little reflecting too. I remember, distinctly, turning 20. I could NOT wait to leave my teen years behind! My roommate and a few other friends kidnapped me, blindfolded me and took me to Grand Rapids for the night. I remember it being fun in a where the HECK are we going kind of way. Nowadays if say Mark were to "kidnap" me I am hoping to end up in Cabo or something.

 There were so many things I hoped for in my twenties, it was as if life was about to begin. Being 18 and 19 still felt too close to high school, and for the record I was NOT a big fan of high school. I ate lunch in the library and actually liked having homework. Is that weird?

 If I can reflect a little on the past ten years it makes me see that the twenties are so full of change and new experiences. Sometimes as I sit in my family room folding laundry or making grocery lists I forget that my life has been so incredibly interesting and full. I have this wealth of life to draw from. Things that remind me of who I am and where I am going. In ten years I have finished college, lived in a foreign country, moved to Colorado met and married my husband, finished grad school, moved to a different state and then moved back to Colorado, had a baby, bought a house, and SOME of my sanity is still in tact! Whoa...really?

OK 30 that is a tough act to follow. Most of those things (except for having more kiddos) I don't plan on repeating so we need to come up with some new dreams and aspirations here. Honestly though, I look at it as building a foundation, something to keep building upon. I believe that the past ten years have all worked to make me a more open and honest person. I am more open to God and his will and movement in my life. I believe that I am more honest with myself and with people. Maybe I am living more honestly in that I am aware that I am limited in what I can give or do, but God is able to do new and incredible things through me.

There was a time when I really believed I was indispensable and could do anything and everything. But you know, its not true. I can do some things pretty well, and a lot of things I fail at doing well or at all. And that is OK with me. My hope for the next ten years is that I can continue to learn and grow as a person. I want to love more and love better. I want to continue to have passions and dreams and desires. I want to know God in a deeper more life-altering way. I want to enjoy and cherish my family. I hope for all these things. If God has allowed so many amazing, painful, challenging, awe-inspiring, life-changing, and beautiful things to happen in my twenties why not so much more in my thirties? A girl can dream right? And from where I am standing hopes and dreams are what make life worth living.

This sad little face happens at least five to ten times a day.

Its true, this is the face he gives me after I tell him "No!" "Don't touch" "Let go!" "Stop that!" And then I go on and break his little one year old heart. All he wanted was to unplug the computer, play with my phone, or take the wipes out of the box one.by.one.

It is a funny thing though how one minute he is sobbing like a teenage girl and the next he is happily jabbering pushing his little baby walker around. I do love my little boy and today he sat in my lap for ten whole minutes and we snuggled. I would put up with an entire day of tears for just ten minutes of smelling his sweet baby skin and hearing his slow even breath. These young years fly I am told, and I believe it. So in the midst of sad faces and tears and unfortunate tantrums I savor the moments where he is just content and happy in my arms.

Still sick...and kind of liking it

Ahhhh...the end of a 3 day weekend. I wish all weekends could be this long, it feels just right. Some weekends we are so busy and crazy with life that I am completely wiped out on Mondays. Not this time. I wrote in my last post that I was sick and I mentioned that there are a few perks (in my deranged mind) that come with being sick. Disclaimer: I am not one of those people who look at being sick like some sort of personal challenge, I don't "suffer" through it and keep on keeping on. When I am sick, I give in, I bask in it, I lay around and ask people to bring me chicken broth and ginger-ale.

That said, I am thankful for sickness. Honestly. It is one of those things that makes me stop moving for once. No planning, plotting, organizing, cleaning (definitely no cleaning) showing up, nothing. In this country we are addicted to busyness. We don't like to say no to things good or bad, or miss any experience offered to us. Somewhere, somehow we have associated busyness with quality of life. We have CONFUSED it I should say. I am just as guilty as anyone, so this is why I welcome the occasional cold or flu (but NOT the stomach flu...I would rather be hit by a bus) because it makes me stop. Just STOP. And it is such a good thing to do, to just turn off life for a bit and make myself rest and think and reflect on life. Tonight, finishing out this long weekend I feel full and peaceful and like a sweet unlooked for gift was given to me. Its true it also came with a box of Kleenex and NyQuil, but I am glad for it all the same.

Being Sick Doesn't Mean No Shopping!

This being a three day weekend, Ben decided to share his lovely cold with me. Children can be so giving and generous at times. For the most part, I really hate being sick. But there are a few perks, those being 1) letting my house be wreck 2) if Ben is sick too he snuggles and I LOVE that 3) Mark waits on me hand and foot 4) I feel like I can complain without reservation 5) I can say "no" to things without thinking twice about whether someone will be offended or not...I'm SICK OK!

The funny thing is I laid in bed most of the morning and afternoon yesterday feeling miserable but somehow found the energy and fortitude to go shopping with my mom and Grandma for my birthday present. Its shopping people, SHOPPING, even the black plague would not have kept me from this once in a lifetime experience. The best part is I got to pick out something I wanted no matter the price AND Ben stayed at home with Mark. Shopping kid-free is not to be underestimated, ever. So I had a great time all the while sneezing into the crook of my arm and saying "oh, I'm fine, its nothing!"  After shopping I went right back to being sick and sorry for myself. Not one of my proudest moments in life, but hey I got some really cute stuff!

Why I am thankful for Bears

There are Bears in the neighbors tree today. BEARS as in more than one! I feel like a bonafide Coloradoan today folks. I was trying to get some good shots but I don't have any photography skills and my camera is one of those point and shoot ones so the bears look like black smudges in the trees. But I promise there are bears next door, happily napping about 30 feet off the ground. You will just have to take my word for it okay?

Our new neighbor (there are
2 more not pictured)

I know this may sound strange but I was happy to hear about the bears this morning. Yesterday was not of the best days of my and Mark's life together. We were talking about money and budgets and all those things that make me want to pull out tufts of hair and run around screaming. We have a hard time seeing eye-to-eye on money and budgeting and of course we both have our own baggage we insist on dragging into every conversation. Let's make one thing clear: I LOVE my husband. We are committed to each other and to our family and future together. Like most couples we argue about dumb things like taking out the trash or the "correct way" (totally Mark's thing) to load the dish-washer. I don't know what other couple's trigger points are, but ours are usually in the finance department. I hate, hate, hate having an issue where I can't see Mark, I mean really see him, his heart and soul in the midst of things. It is as if we keep looking past each other instead of at each other. Each of us have some sort of hill we would like to die on thank you very much and we don't want to budge. I get bent out of shape afraid that life will always be hard and money will always be the obstacle to keep it from getting easier. And maybe that is true. I think it is true for most people rich or poor. But I don't want to get into that discussion right now.

  Last night after the fight we went to bed really tired and argued-out. We were both feeling a little disconnected from each other, kind of sad and exhausted. It took me awhile to fall asleep, I kept hoping and praying that nothing had changed and that our love was still in tact. This morning Mark woke up for his early Friday morning breakfast with a friend, and he did something that reminded me of who he is. He got Ben up, gave him a bottle, made coffee, and took Ben to breakfast so I could sleep in and have my coffee when I was ready. He did all of that, the same as he always would fight or no fight, for me, because he loves me and is always thinking of my needs. He came home later and took me outside to see the bears in the trees and we both laughed and smiled together, and somehow our hearts felt lighter again.
What I am trying to say is that those moments in the midst of a dark and frustrating argument where you both feel a little lost, are not the truth, the center of your relationship. I really believe it is what happens later, afterwards that matters. It does not mean all our fears and anxieties about money or whatever problem are resolved. They definitely are still there.We are a work in progress, there is much for us learn and re-visit about this issue. But I think that you can come out the other side of something hard and still remember why you love and cherish that person. I want to be more like Mark, he reminds me each day that his love for me is not based upon whether I always fight fair or if we have a bad day, or if I am overly emotional etc. He loves me because he has chosen me and believes in the vows we made to each other on our wedding day. Mark makes me think about God and how He takes on all of our anger and fear. He absorbs all the blows and punches we throw his way, and he still loves us. He is still true and real and unchanging toward us.

I think those bears are still up in the tree ( I hope that they stay there and don't come charging toward my house) and I am going to take them as a sign that there is always something new each day, something beautiful and awe-inspiring to discover. I am thankful that this morning Mark and I could have that sort of moment together.

Jeggings...are you KIDDING me??

Are the 80's back? Here I am watching one of those TV talent shows and one of the acts is in a fitted leather jacket tight black jeans and BIG WHITE  high top tennis shoes with the laces hanging out. WOW. I mean what is happening? Not the era I thought anyone would want to re-live but what do I know right?

We miss this? Really?

This is me
 if you were wondering..

The other day Mark and I were out for a walk and I saw this teenage girl in stone washed jeans and a hot pink t-shirt that looks like she took a weed whacker to it.  She was popping her gum too and was walking down the street with her i-pod in this "I am cool and you are a nerdy mom" kind of way. I am not making any apologies for my fashion sense. I still like boot-cut jeans and flip-flops, that is high-fashion in my book. Sometimes I go for clogs...but those are more my winter shoes. These days I can't even go to the Gap without them trying to tell me that skinny jeans and (aggghhh!) jeggings are what I need! Nope. Definitely not what these hips need...maybe spanx but NOT skinny jeans. I am venting, and feeling kind of old. I am also realizing that I am two weeks away form my 30th birthday and that feels impossible to me, I think I was 20 like two minutes ago?  I even remember what I wore on my 20th birthday and it was cute too...boot cut jeans and flip flops maybe a red sweatshirt too...like I said high fashion! So the 80's are back and I am stuck somewhere in the year 2000 as far as fashion goes. As long as I don't descend to the low low depths of jean jumpers and mom-jeans I think I will be ok.

Up

This morning after putting the boys down for naps I went outside, sat in a chair and pulled out my handy Beth Moore devotional. If you haven't read previous blogs you won't know that it was a reach for me to even read a devotional! I hate that word "devotional" it makes me think of those creepy precious moments dolls. So maybe I will come up with a new word, but that isn't the point of this post.

 This morning I woke up feeling a certain heaviness. Days like this I feel dry, so dry. I keep trying to grab at anything that will make me feel full and satisfied. I grow frustrated with the monotony of daily tasks and find myself longing for real and deep life experiences.I want to connect, to be a part of something bigger. Sometimes I wonder about whether I am growing as a person, as a child of God? I can be so mean and snippy with my husband and incredibly impatient with my son. Today feels like I drew the short straw and my energy level is in the negatives. Today being a mom seems like a bad career choice.

Ok so back to the devotional. It was all about asking God to stretch us, letting God ask us to do the "hardest thing" whatever that may be. She writes that the "Longer I've walked with God in prayer and His Word and have come to love Him, the less I want him to let me off easy." WHAT!!! I must be praying the wrong prayer...I am always asking God "When will this get easier? When will everything not be so dang hard?" Well, I admit I know I am asking him the wrong questions. I am not looking in the right direction either. I want things to get easier in life so I can feel no pain or stress and just coast on through life until I die. Who doesn't feel that way at times? Honestly? When the bills pile up, your kids are making you nuts, your house seems to always be in some sort of chaotic need...basically fill int he blank here ___________ .I mean who doesn't cry out to the heavens "When will my life get easier! Give me a way out NOW!" But I KNOW that is the wrong question. From a Godly perspective, the question I need to ask is God is will you show me your love and mercy during this time? TEACH ME something and help me to trust you in this really hard process of growing and stretching. I tend to look in all directions but not up at my Creator, my wise Counselor, my friend. I want to stop asking for easy and start walking with God through the difficult and complicated days and seasons of life. He has so many incredible things to show me and teach in the journey, even in the moments of heartache, anger, and confusion. There is joy and peace and rest to be found as well. Even if we believe we do we NEVER walk alone. God is always with us, His love is deep and unfailing and always available to us. I want to see His presence and work in my life, especially on days like this, where everything feels so hard. So show me yourself God, I promise to try to look up more today.

Noah's Ark

I love this pic he's like
 "Mom I can't believe
 you just said that!!"

Ben is watching Baby Einstein's Noah's Ark...he always claps and cheers for the kangaroos and it makes me laugh every time. Then the seals come on and bark and he shakes his head and tries to bark at them...wow there IS something going on in that little noggin of his! Sometimes I wonder, what a one year old thinks about?  I mean he reads his books upside down sometimes...but he still points at the pictures and says something like "aweewhaawoo...dat!" I am not sure when he will start communicating in human language but I know that he is engaged in his world and LOVES life! A one year old can really remind us grumpy older people that life is full of new and interesting things if we would only take a moment and look around. Benjamin's presence is a constant reminder to me to be curious, always curious about the world I live in. I love the wonder of a child, we all need more of that in our lives!

Trying to be Cool makes me tired....

Last night I put on my big girl shoes and went to Red Rocks amphitheater to see Ray LaMontagne and David Gray.Wow Wow Wow. I loved it! For the most part it was sensational! Well, the first hour and a half was incredible and then 9:30 PM (my nerdy early bed-time) rolled around and it could have been John Lennon back from the dead on stage and I would not have cared...I just wanted to sleep! Does this mean I am getting old? I think so, that and sleep has become a major priority in my life. I remember the good old days of partying on a school night, dates with Mark that went into the wee hours of the night. Sleep was something to catch up on over the weekend. These days its like a timer goes off in my head "ding" its 9:30 and my bed-time, sorry people I'm outta here! It didn't help that one of David Gray's songs meandered on and on and on for like 18 minutes or something. It was like he made up a song at the end of a different song. He is hard to understand when he sings but I am pretty sure there was a line in there where he compared his lover to lichen on a fusel lodge...oh and he said something about Sonic Booms too...yeah. weird.

Ray LaMontagne..can you see
him?

Anyway, I did enjoy the concert, and we danced and sang and cheered and laughed at other people who were dancing and singing around us. Seriously, skinny white guy sitting in front of us, I don't know where you learned your moves, but I would keep those to yourself...kind of scary. But I loved hearing good music and listening to someone share their passion and creativity. I was blown away by Ray LaMontagne. That sort of extraordinary talent mixed with humility is unheard of these days. His music really moved me, and it felt good  to be moved by something outside of the ordinary, to enter the creative world of another human being. I appreciate that there are still true and honest musicians out there, who write and create for the sake of art and the need to express who they are.

Honestly though, I am so dang tired today and all I can think about is a hot bath, a good book, and my comfy bed....bed-time may come even earlier tonight!

Monday Monday

Wow, we had a whirlwind weekend and this morning I woke up in a total fog! It was actually foggy outside which did NOT help! Now the boys are down for morning naps and I am devouring my cereal and contemplating a nap myself.....

Mark and Ben and I went on an amazing and I mean AHHHmazing hike in the Crags outside of Woodland Park. Spending and afternoon out in nature reminds me why I love LOVE Colorado and never want to live anywhere else. Of course when we got back to the parking lot we realized "someone" had left the headlights on so the car was dead. So fun. So so fun. Mark was of course cheerful and optimistic that someone would drive by soon and I was pouting and annoyed at his optimism. I kept picturing us stranded overnight with about 4 oz of water and a half-eaten bag of Ben's goldfish crackers. But thankfully a kind soul came rumbling down the trail in their car and gave us a jumpstart. So I think I pouted and felt hopeless for about five minutes total. We drove home listening to country music and then Mark let me get a pumpkin spice latte at Starbucks....so everything turned out just fine (and of course the pouting totally helped)!

I have to say that I LIVE for days like that, having time to spend together as a family. Getting out of the house and getting our bodies moving, and breathing in the fresh air. Exercise is one of those things I really struggle to like, or should  I say "do." When I think of exercise I imagine a stale smelling gym, people groaning while bench pressing or that expression of extreme boredom on the treadmill, or sweaty dudes in spandex...yuck. But when I can get outside for a walk or a hike it feels wonderful, I am a new person. Ok it feels like exercise too, BUT the ambiance is way better and I am not surrounded by hot chicks with six pack abs doing lunges. Instead I have the big blue sky, clean sweet smelling air, the earthy trail under my feet, mountains all around and a smile usually plastered on my face....and I can have that any day of the week, even on Mondays.

My baby is ONE Today!!

Aww ao blissfully unaware!

Ben is one today! ONE!!! I can't believe it, I mean I REALLY can't believe it! Technically he will be one at 10:10 PM but who's counting right? We are gonna party all day! A year a go I was in that hospital bed, tired, and ready to meet the little guy...but having to wait out a long labor that ended in a not-so thrilling c-section (ok "thrilling" and "c-section" should never be used in the same sentence). That first week after Ben was born I remember being so tired, I mean more tired than I have ever felt in my life. I was thinking, "Why was I in such a hurry for him to be born? I could have laid in bed for a few more days at least!" But that is all over now and I have had an amazing year watching Ben grow and develop and become this curious, active, happy little boy. 

So here are my Top Ten Benjamin favs of the year:

1. SLEEPING through the night (7-12 weeks)

2. Watching you try your first baby food...and the huge grin that followed

3. SLEEPING through the night (this def. needs repeating)

4. Seeing you roll over for the first time, you super confused by what just happened

5. Discovering YOU LOVE BATHTIME! No more screaming only gleeful splashing

6. SLEEPING through the night!! I am still not over it!!

7. The first time you crawled across the room, everyone cheering you on

8. Getting you up from a nap and finding you standing in your crib and

9. Hearing you say "Mama" for the first time....but then realizing you said it to every other lady you saw (in the grocery store, on a walk,  but still special to me)!

10.Standing up on your own for about 30 seconds and me screaming with joy...which scared you and made you fall over and cry a little...what can I say I am so proud of my big boy! :)

Chicago

This morning it is raining. It feels like fall is coming, but I know we have a few more weeks to go. However, when the seasons change, I find that I grow increasingly homesick for the place I grew up. I miss Chicago, I really do. I don't miss certain things, like not seeing the sun for weeks on end in the winter, or traffic, or not being able to find parking anywhere. But I do miss the way the city looked when the seasons changed. I miss autumn there, the crispness, the heavy trees turning different shades of gold, orange, and red. I miss the sounds of people on the street, walking, shopping, running. I miss the buildings, a city where you always find something new to look at. I loved the Wrigley building, right before getting to the river and the bridge. I have so many memories of Chicago. So many secrets and little moments are tucked away there.

 I know I am still a city girl at heart and there are times I just long for more movement and diversity than I find here. Don't get me wrong, I love Colorado. The mountains and nature and the weather here are incredible. I know if I left I would miss it sorely. It has been almost 6 years now since I have been in Chicago. 6 years. So much in my life has changed, I have changed. But when I think of home, home in the deepest part of me, I still see myself at 871 S. Third Ave. I see myself walking, walking, walking downtown. I am catching the EL train or sipping coffee somewhere by a window, people watching. Mark and I talk about going back for a visit sometimes. We talk about the places we would go, all that I would show him. I would love that, I need that!

Sometimes I feel as if I need closure for that time in my life. All of my growing up, college, and later. I never really said goodbye to my childhood home or to any of the places that I loved so much. My last visit 6 years ago, my parents were selling the house, but at the time  I was  so enamored with my new life in Denver that I just let it wash past me. I thought I was done there and that I would never look back. But I have looked back, and now with fondness I realize how blessed I was, and how much I loved my childhood. How opportune and unique it was to go to college in the city. When people here ask me where I am from I always say Chicago, because somehow that will always seem like home to me, even if I am here in Colorado for the rest of my life.

Techy Baby

Ben is super obsessed with my phone...especially if he finds the keys unlocked and can call random people. He always goes for people I haven't talked to in a hundred years but have never bothered to remove their info from my phone. Awkward.  Here are some pics....esp. since I am trying to make this a bona-fide mom blog I should have some pics of my kid right?

P.S. The mess of clothes in the background is all Ben...my house is always spotless...

Nap-time and Lattes

I wish it was nap time for me! I wish I wish I wish! One day I know Ben will wish for set times to sleep during the day, but right now he is fighting it tooth and nail. Unfortunately there is no convincing a one year old about anything, vegetables, drinking milk, not banging on my computer, and there is nothing I can do about naps. He just has to scream  and cry and thrash around in his crib which at times makes me feel like screaming and throwing things around the house, but I won't...throw things at least. Thankfully I went to Starbucks for my customary Vanilla Latte and that little bit of sweetness helps especially when I am engaged in this battle of wills. Days like this I have to stop staring at clock, wishing it to be 6:00 when Mark comes home and I get back-up and a shower. We will make it, Ben will sleep eventually and I will get off the couch...but not until I finish my latte.

On Waiting...and Contentment too

A few months ago I broke down and bought a Beth Moore devotional. I say broke down because I can be prideful and act as if I am above devotionals especially if they are written by famed members of contemporary Christian culture. So really I have nothing against Beth Moore, just against jumping into a fad or something like that. But I jumped, and I am glad I did. Today has been one of those days where not only is it a Monday but I feel acutely overwhelmed and frustrated. I hate that so many things can suddenly feel out of control and that I can't change and fix everything all by myself. Discontentment is this slow poison that I let seep into my heart and mind. I often want to let it run rampant just so I can feel justified in the way I approach daily life.
 Today I read in my Beth Moore devotional that "...One of the most common human experiences is the inability for us to be completely satisfied."  She later writes, "Christians can be miserably dissatisfied if they accept Christ's salvation yet reject the fullness of a daily relationship that satisfies."
OK Beth, I get it, loud and clear. So this is daily relationship with God is hard for me and I am guessing there are others out there who feel similarly. A daily relationship with anyone is hard. Giving and taking, sacrificing and receiving and choosing to love when you don't feel like it is not easy. Walking daily in relationship with God means that I let go of things that I want to control, that I talk to him about my fears and frustrations. It means that I let him in to those dark and secret places in my heart and mind, those places so often laced with discontent. I love that dear 'ole Beth describes a daily relationship as something that offers "fullness" and "satisfaction." I cannot today, wrap my mind around those concepts.
 So here's the thing, the kicker for me. I have to wait and let God bring me closer to him. I have to wait in this funky space I am in and let God speak to me and walk me back to Him. I can't do it on my own. I am tired of thinking I can handle everything, because I fail every. single. time. I want to learn about being content in God, in his promises to be faithful and trustworthy. Faithful and trustworthy, two things I can only discover in relationship with God. So I am ready God, let's go.

Motherhood one year later...

OK so I have not "blogged" in MONTHS! Email and facebook seemed to be all I could handle for awhile. However Ben turns one in a few days and I am feeling semi-normal again, whatever that means? Well, wow this has been the fastest year of my life by far. I can hardly swallow it, how life can change so quickly and constantly. Watching a baby change and grow has been the biggest joy and also a major test of patience and flexibility. I remember when Ben started waking up just once at night (instead of every two screaming and clawing at the bottle) to eat and I thought, "Alright, we are arriving now, I can re-enter the world with some sanity." Sometime between 7 and 12 weeks he started to sleep through the night and I was awed that this was possible and yet scared that maybe he did not need me as much. I know there are mothers out there who can't wait for their kids to grow up and not be infants anymore. Then there are mothers who probably push their kids over if they try to walk too soon. I like to think that I am somewhere in the middle of the two, enjoying Ben's growth and at the same time grieving just a little that every day he moves a little farther away from me. OK, I know at one year old kids are still pretty dependent on their parents and will be for a long time. Motherhood has turned my life upside down in ways I could not have imagined before. One year later and I am so in love with my son. There is this whole new person in my life that I am eternally connected to, and that I love so fiercely I sometimes forget what life was like before him. Well, I SOMETIMES forget what life was like pre-Ben. When my house is wrecked and there is poop all over the floor and Ben is shrieking, I go to this place in my mind where I am in a nice clean office sorting paperwork and listening to music on my ipod. I remember getting on airplanes and seeing the world, worrying about whether I have enough spending money for all the shoes I plan on buying. Who was that person? I do believe she is still in there somewhere, but I also know she was kind of self-absorbed and immature. Motherhood has grown me up if I can say that? I read an article recently about a woman who never felt that "urge" to have children. I get that, I know not everyone is meant to be a parent and that is totally fine. However her reasons were completely ridiculous in my not so humble opinion. Imagine if she couldn't go out whenever she wanted, or had to quit her job to stay home and mother? She called mothering a "black hole" where she might end up void of a personality or ambition or something. I was saddened by this article, not every mother loses herself in the process. It is possible to be a mother and a well -informed connected woman. Yes Motherhood is not a joke, or a walk in the park. It is hard work, you are on all the time. But the whole point is that we get the chance to influence and love an entire generation. We have the enormous challenge and opportunity to showour children how to live and interact and contribute. Motherhood is difficult and exhausting because it asks a lot of women. Motherhood grows women up because it reminds us that we are not the center of the world. Our own happiness and personal success is not the most important thing. Its not that they don't matter, I mean I want to be happy and successful, I do I believe I have been and am in my own way. As women we have the awesome task to be something more, something that seems small to many people but is ripe with significance. I really believe that true motherhood requires us to give of ourselves in ways that do not come naturally to the human race. It shows us how selfish we can be, how self-focused we often are. I may not be climbing the corporate ladder or having sushi and white wine out each night with my husband or girlfriends but I have the inexplicable joy of participating in the growth and life of a person. I celebrate every day the life and journey of my son. I am forced to live outside of myself and find joy in loving and giving to another person. I have found so much contentment in the small things. Small things like an evening hike, learning to cook something new, helping Ben learn to stand on his own, sitting on the back deck with my husband sipping cold wine and talking about the day, those things have brought me so much joy, more than I could have ever imagined. When the rush of life is quieted a little, and all my wild ambitions slow down I find that I can breathe, I mean really breathe. I can see the people I love and really give to them with my whole heart. I thank God, because I really believe he created us for these moments, these beautiful fleeting moments that I look forward to every day.